


and now none of you

by alanabloom



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: (that catches up to current canon), Alternate Universe - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Alternating Timelines, F/F, Pre-Series, Surrealism, past relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-10-23 06:12:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10713828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alanabloom/pseuds/alanabloom
Summary: Dear Mr. Peralta,Regina Linetti has had Rosa Diaz erased from her memory.  Please never mention their relationship to her again.Thank you.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write Gina/Rosa for awhile, and finally had an idea I was mildly obsessed with enough to try it. 
> 
> If you haven't seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the basic gist: Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet break up. Jim Carrey finds out Kate Winslet had him erased from her memory. He visits the place that does the procedure and decides to have it done as well. A lot of the movie involves going backwards through their relationship as his memory is erased - the scenes often start playing out like normal flashbacks, but then he becomes aware that he's in a memory that's currently fading and falling apart, and even talks to his memory's version of Kate Winslet about that. That's pretty much all you need to know, but it's a beautiful movie and I highly recommend it. 
> 
> Also I know "The Night We Met" is pretty heavily associated with Thirteen Reasons Why now, but I love Lord Huron and this song and kept listening to it while planning out this fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been wanting to write Gina/Rosa for awhile, and finally had an idea I was mildly obsessed with enough to try it. 
> 
> If you haven't seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the basic gist: Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet break up. Jim Carrey finds out Kate Winslet had him erased from her memory. He visits the place that does the procedure and decides to have it done as well. A lot of the movie involves going backwards through their relationship as his memory is erased - the scenes often start playing out like normal flashbacks, but then he becomes aware that he's in a memory that's currently fading and falling apart, and even talks to his memory's version of Kate Winslet about that. That's pretty much all you need to know, but it's a beautiful movie and I highly recommend it. 
> 
> Also I know "The Night We Met" is pretty heavily associated with Thirteen Reasons Why now, but I love Lord Huron and this song and kept listening to it while planning out this fic.

_I had all and then most of you_  
_Some and now none of you_  
_Take me back to the night we met_

The Night We Met // Lord Huron

 

* * *

 

Rosa is being coward.  For the ninth day in a row - eleventh if you count last weekend, although it's possible she'd spent it too drunk to really earn any descriptor other than, quite literally,  _wasted_ \- she is being a coward, and it's pathetic.

She has to admit it: she's scared of Gina, and that's patently ridiculous.  

Not that Gina lacks the ability to intimidate.  They work in a precinct full of detectives, all armed and trained, and Gina would still be one of Rosa's top picks for an alliance in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

(Somewhat implausibly, this is something Rosa's actually given a lot of thought to, because "survival strategies in a  _Walking Dead_ type of sitch" is Gina's idea of pillow talk.) 

That's why it's ridiculous to be afraid of Gina.  Not because she'd be harmless in a physical confrontation - in fact, she's always worryingly enthusiastic when discussing the ease of making a flame thrower - but because, until very recently, she and Rosa were engaging in very regular pillow talk.

Along with all other activities  _pillow talk_ implies.  

So today, it's time to suck it up and get this over with.  Not talking to Gina in over a week has Rosa tightroping along a razor thin wire of anxiety.  It was a... _weird_ ending.  That's on her, Rosa's self aware enough to admit that.  It was weird.  Weird and fast.  

She wanders by Gina's desk on the way back from the printer.  "Hey G..ina."  She stumbles, hastily tacking on the final syllable to Gina's name.  Jesus.  She's flustered - it's not like she goes around using a nickname for Gina at work, anyway, even back where they were still...

Whatever they were.

Gina's eyes flick away from her phone screen for a brief instant.  They spark with immediate interest, interest she manages to maintain even as she visibly turns partial attention back to her phone.  She smiles, half at the screen and half at Rosa.  For the hundredth or so time, Rosa wryly thinks it's a strange sort of gift, but a gift nonetheless.

"Well well well well well," she deadpans.  "Finally done playing hard to get?" 

Rosa shifts slightly, equal parts irritated and uncomfortable.  She can't predict Gina right now, and it's not a feeling she likes.  "Yeah, I thought we could use a few days.  To process."  Rosa frowns as soon as she says it, instantly second guessing herself, and her attempts at navigating emotional territory.  Surely it's not _expected_ to have another big talk after a break up, right? 

"So what has you darkening my doorway?"  

Rosa can't read the exact tone of Gina's sarcasm.  She doesn't like this - it's been eleven days, how has she already unlearned her? -  and it makes her surly.  Her tone is even less inviting than usual when she says, "I was gonna you want to take a break and grab a coffee or something.   Just for the purposes of...conclusion."

Gina's attention is gradually shifting away from her phone.  She squints at Rosa.  "Conclusion of..."  

"Just if you had anything you wanted to say," Rosa mutters, suddenly very aware of their surroundings.  She glances around, making sure no one is paying attention to them.  

Brightening, Gina full on sets her phone down.  " _Finally_ , yes, I do have a question:  do you own only one black leather jacket or a closet full that you change every day?  Follow up question: is it just a Look - capital l - or do you for realz own a motorcycle?  Additional follow up question: if you  _do_  own a motorcycle, can we plan a morning for you to drive me into work while I hold sparklers?  And possibly an ipod speaker blaring Rihanna."

Rosa blinks at her, thoroughly confused now.  She lowers her voice further.  "Are you screwing with me?"

"No, bitch,  I'm always on the lookout for ways to spice up my entrances."    

"Shut up, you...you know you've said that to me before."  

Gina's face pinches in genuine confusion.  "Uh, when exactly could I have done that?  You haven't deigned to talk to me - the lowly, humble receptionist - since you started."  Suddenly, her eyes light up.  "Ooh, do you have The Gift?  Huh."  She tilts her head, pursuing her lips.  "Wouldn't have guessed it, no disrespect.  I'm all set up with a psychic though, thanks - Carlene, you two should meet, swap tricks of the trade, she changed my life.  Or I guess she just told me when my life was about to change.

Unable to restrain herself, Rosa rests the heels of her hands on Gina's desk and leans forward, her voice coming out in a quiet growl, "Really?  This is how you're gonna be?  Just...spewing batshit idiocy?" 

Gina gives her a distasteful look, almost habitually picking up her phone again.  "Ugh, fine, Judge Judy.  Dismiss the cosmic arts,  see how that works out for you."  

Rosa feels the dull beginnings of a headache, throbbing between her eyes.  She's tired, and thrown off by whatever the fuck this conversation is.  Gina's strange.  She knows Gina's strange, but she can usually navigate it.  She usually loves to navigate it.

And of course, the guilty pebble of truth rattling around in her gut, is that she's offended.  She's been a coward for nine days (maybe eleven, maybe she deserves to call it eleven) because she's scared of seeing that stunned hurt in Gina's eyes again.  That's what she meant to endure today.  

Instead, there's  _nothing_.

No hurt in Gina's eyes, not the slightest fracture in her voice, but there's nothing else there, either.  Nothing distinctive.  The way she's looking at her...Rosa could be anybody at all.

Gina's face relaxes into sudden relief, her gaze moving past Rosa to greet someone else approaching.  "Hey, girl."

"Yo, girl," Jake replies without embarrassment.   Rosa stiffens slightly, on instinct, before she realizes nothing about their conversation, even if Jake had overheard, would lead to a conclusion of.... _anything_.  

But still, Jake's attention is on her, and there's something strained in his expression.  "Um, Rosa?  Can I talk to you, like, in private?" 

"Oooh," Gina's eyes flare with interest.  "Jakey's got a scoop!  I  _know_ you aren't cutting me out, baby girl."  

Jake takes Rosa by the arm, then immediately corrects himself and grabs the sleeve of her jacket instead, still tugging her to follow him.  He calls over his shoulder, "Sorry, Gina, it's police business, so boring though!"

Gina mutters something about a discriminatory work environment while Rosa allows Jake to drag her out of the bullpen and into the empty break room.  

"The hell was that, Jake?"  Rosa snaps when he shuts the door behind them.

Jake is pacing in an impossibly small space right in front of her.  "Okay.  Okay okay okay okay.  The thing is, I have to tell you something.  Several somethings, actually, for the main something to make sense...I'm in a really weird position here, I don't necessarily feel like I'm the  _best_ person for the job so much as the  _only_ person.  But I'm not so good with awkward feelings talk, and I really have no idea how this is going to go, just...know the whole time, I'm doing my best.  Okay.  Here goes."  He draws a deep breath, then abruptly slumps his posture, "Should we go somewhere else?  How about food, you wanna get some burgers?  Or pizza - " 

Rosa's still feeling off kilter from that interaction with Gina, and Jake's little speech has the last remnants of her patience shred thin.  She socks him in the arm, probably a little harder than necessary.  The words a growl, she demands, " _Out_ with it, Peralta."  

"Ow!  Okay, okay, sorry.  So the first thing...it's not even bad, but it'll just explain - " He catches sight of her increasingly homicidal expression, and blurts out in a panicked rush, "I know about you and Gina."  

A still silence follows the admission.  Rosa take a sharp breath, anger and panic cracking a dual whip in her lungs.  Dangerously quiet, she grits out, "She _told_ you?"

"No!  No way.  I just - so, I know Gina dates girls sometimes.  I've known that since high school.  And you know that first night, at the bar...you know I saw you leave together, right?"  

"But that wasn't - " Rosa shakes her head, pissed at having to talk about this.  Pissed that he's bringing up _that night_ now.  That wasn't  _it_.  It wasn't the real start of anything.  She'd never really expected to see Gina again.

"No, I know.  But then when she started working here, and you guys started dating for real...I just figured it out.  Even when I guessed Gina didn't confirm until I actually, er..."  Jake flushes, suddenly shrinking under Rosa's blazing glare.

" _What_?"  

"Found one of your shirts at Gina's place.  But look, don't worry, she made me swear on a lot of important stuff that I wouldn't say anything."  

"Well."  Rosa folds her arms, lifts her chin.  "I don't care that you know."  She tries to believe that, even with decades old echoes reverberating in her head.  "Anyway.  We broke up." 

"Yeah.  She told me." 

"Well then you can tell _her_ to stop acting so damn _strange_."  Her voice catches the tiniest bit, and Rosa sets her jaw tightly before continuing.  "It wasn't even that serious, and we work together every day.  She needs to figure out how to deal with me without playing her weird mind games."  

Jake, if possible, looks even more wound up with dread than before.  "That's, um, kind of the other something I mentioned.  See, over the weekend Gina....um....well, here..."  

He hands over what looks like an index card, pale yellow with a few short lines of officious looking type.  

**Dear Mr. Peralta,**

**Regina Linetti has had Rosa Diaz erased from her memory.  Please never mention their relationship to her again.**

**Thank you.**

There is a logo and address at the bottom for something called Lacuna Inc, but Rosa doesn't bother wondering about the phony name.  She huffs out a scoffing sigh before flinging the flimsy paper back at Jake.  "Okay, fuck you, Jake.  How'd she put you up to this?"

"Yeah, I know it seems straight up  _bonkers_ \- "

"- it's straight up _lame_ ," she mocks him.  "Is this the kind of shit you guys pulled when you got dumped in middle school?"

"When I got dumped in middle school I mostly just went on the fire escape to eat cheetos and cry," Jake mumbles.  "And sometimes Gina would prank call the girls' parents' house for me."

Rosa rolls her eyes.  "Well, glad you're finally returning the favor."  

"This isn't that, okay?  Really."  Jake's got his phone out now, and after a moment he hands it to Rosa, the browser pulled up with a Lacuna website.   "I know it's bizarre.  Gina knew it from some deep internet dive.  Of course."  

"No."  Rosa shakes her head, doesn't stop.  "No, I call bullshit."

"I went with her," Jake tells her, sympathy snaking into his voice.  "I saw the place.  It's real, I swear.  And she had the...procedure Saturday night."

Rosa falls silent, then, coming up short on ways to dispute this, so Jake keeps talking.  "It's seriously crazy, though...the doctor said it's unusual to erase people you still see on a daily basis, but it's been done and it still works somehow?  I told him literally no one would be surprised if Gina just inexplicably forgot who you are - nothing she does makes sense to most of these guys anyway - but he said it would be fine.  She can't remember any specific moments she's had with you, but you're still there in the background of work stuff.  So she thinks you're a cop she's just never really spoken - "

For the first time in eleven cowardly days, Rosa feels like she might actually cry.  Or throw up.  It pisses her off.  Roughly, she cuts Jake off,  "Has she done this before?" 

Jake grimaces a little.  He looks like he feels sorry for her again.  "No."  

They stand there, uncomfortable silence enveloping them.  Rosa's breathing sharply through her nose, like a bull about to charge.  Her eyes feel hot.

"Look, you know Gina,"  Jake says, conciliatory.  "She's dramatic.  And impulsive.  And - " 

The door to the break room opens and they both freeze.  

"Get the hell out, Scully!"  Rosa barks, sounding unhinged and too mean, even for her.  The older detective turns tail and speed shuffles away.

Rosa swallows.  Breathe in and out.  Calm now.  She looks Jake in the eye.  "Then I guess I'll do it, too." 

Jake groans.  "I'm not comfortable with how many secrets I have."

 

* * *

 

At Lacuna, they ask her to empty her apartment of anything tied to her relationship with Gina, and it's embarrassing how little there is. A few random gifts given partially in jest - books written by an internet famous person, tarot cards, a wolf pillow - and some products in her bathroom that she can just toss out.  There are photos to delete from her phone, but that doesn't provide anything tangible to bring to the doctors.  Rosa sits in the waiting room with her singular, feeble box, watching other clients (patients?) come in which multiple overflowing trash bags, and her throat contracts with something like shame.

They tell her they'll have to purge anything relevant for her social media.  Rosa doesn't have any accounts, of course, but she imagines Gina responding to that request, rolling her eyes and complaining that she was never allowed to post anything specific, even though she likes to live her life out loud.

A tape recorder sits in the table, separating Rosa from the doctor and his technician.  They ask her about Gina, about the relationship, about why she's made this decision.  She wonders if they're the same staff members who interviewed Gina, tries to read their knowledge of her in the looks they exchange, searching for _Wow, Ms.Linetti was right, she really is cold and emotionless and incapable of an adult relationship.  She really is better off alone._

They'll come to her apartment to do it.  Rosa isn't thrilled about that, but the doctor explains that if she wakes up in their office after having wiped her own memory of needing the procedure, the ensuing explanation can be quite damaging to the results.  She has to pay cash, so she won't wonder when the name Lacuna shows up on a bank statement.  It has so many red flags for a scam, and Rosa reminds them several times that she's a cop and so is her friend who knows exactly what she's paying them to do.  No one appears phased by these reminders. 

But anyway.  Gina is proof enough that this place does what they say.

 

* * *

 

She stands in her apartment, an hour before they're set to arrive.  There's a pill for her to take.  Rosa stares at it, debating.

If there's  _any_ chance Jake and Gina are fucking with her...

That empty look in Gina's eye was pretty convincing - but she's had eleven days to cultivate it.

And Rosa trusts Jake - but she also knows he'd help Gina out if he thought she'd been treated badly. 

She gets out her phone, texts Gina; she'd deleted her contact earlier today, but not before memorizing it.

Hesitant, she thumbs out a vague text.

 **ROSA**  
**[I'm doing what you did.  Can you give me any reason I shouldn't?]**

The three dots appear pretty quickly - they almost always do with Gina, since she's almost always on her phone - and Rosa's breath catches in her throat.

 **GINA**  
**[New phone who dis?]**

Rosa makes a soft, choked sort of sound.  

She's so fucking stupid. 

Lacuna was obviously real.  She _went_  there, she met the doctors, she gave them money.  And Jake would never have let her schedule the procedure if Gina hadn't really done it, too.

She deletes the texts.

Swallows the pill.

And gets into bed, where for ten minutes, Rosa finally, finally lets herself cry. She hates doing it, but at least tomorrow morning she won't remember why she wants to. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to break the chapters up a bit, as it was getting crazy long. Guessing now it'll be closer to three or four in total. 
> 
> My very vague timeline has Rosa and Gina's break up/erasure procedures happening about a year or so before the canon series begin (so pre-Captain Holt). The story at this point will cover two timelines: we'll go backward in Rosa's memories of the relationship as the erasure procedure happens*, and we'll also move forward after the erasure, which will quickly sync up with the canon timeline. 
> 
> *Again, if you haven't seen Eternal Sunshine: the scenes being erased often start out as normal flashbacks, but the character usually becomes aware he's in a memory that's being erased and reacts accordingly. The movie also employs a lot of visual elements to represent the memories being erased: scenes becoming warped or the sets literally falling apart.

_Gina leaves a Post-It on her desk - " Babylon: 4:43" - and Rosa knows right away it isn't the fun kind of summons.  Even if it does have the Gina trademark of picking an absurdly specific time._

_Rosa follows the instructions, a block of dread settling heavy in her chest as she heads downstairs.  Gina's in the bathroom waiting, looking like she carefully posed herself: arms crossed, accusatory expression set.  She's got her phone in her hand, and Rosa half expects her to cue up a song._

_Instead, she hands it formally to Rosa.  "I need you to take a look at the screen so you understand how serious I mean this bid-ness."_

_Sighing, Rosa takes the phone and finds herself staring at the page for her own contact information.  "So?"_

_"Could you read the name please?" Gina says.  Her intonation sounds like she's mimicking showy detectives on shitty procedural dramas._

_Rosa rolls her eyes.  "Rosa Diaz.  What's your point?"_

_"Rosa.  Diaz."  Gina intones solemnly._

_"And?"_

_" And.  It used to be Rosie.  Followed by a less than sign and a three."  She takes the phone back and holds it up.  "I even added your last name.  Your last name, Rosa.  We are borderline strangers right now."  _

_"Oh, yeah?"  Rosa snatches the phone back and pointedly scrolls through Gina's contacts.  "Because I think the strangers in your phone are under names like - "  She reads from the screen: " - 'Club Nightshade, tall, scruffy' or....'Shaw's, red shirt, politics?'.  Or just 'Bandanas.'"  She looks up at her.  "Who the hell is Bandanas?"  _

_"Uh, he designed bandanas?  They were made the official bandana of Coachella.  Ever heard of it?"_

_"That's not a real job."_

_"Also, any one of those suitors would have been delighted to receive texts from me.  And I guarantee they would have replied."_

_Rosa exhales.  She averts her eyes before muttering, "Sorry.  Busy weekend."_

_"Better try that again.  We've been together long enough for me to know the dark chasm that is your social life outside of me."_

_Rosa shoves her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket and doesn't argue._

_There's a knot in Rosa's throat she can't seem to loosen._ _She sees the gradual shift in Gina's expression, as the seriousness of this silence sinks in._

_"Something you want to say?"  She's maybe quieter than Rosa's ever heard her._

_"Yeah.  Fine."  It comes out defensive, matching Rosa's posture.  "I...think we should call it."_

_The walls of Babylon are starting to come apart, plaster crumbling into dust.  The color on the towels are going gray.  Gina doesn't seem to notice.  She just makes an incredulous sound, her eyes widening a little._

_"Call it?  Like we're a sporting event and it's raining out?"_

_"Or a patient flat lining," Rosa mutters under her breath, instantly regretting it and hoping Gina didn't hear._

_She does.  She's glowering at her.  "Wow.  Dark."  Gina crosses her arms again.  "So is this always your break up method of choice?  It's very on brand, but still.  Rude.  I have a multitude of gifts, but mind reading isn't one of them."_

_She's having trouble getting enough words together.  She wants this part to be over.  She wants to kick the walls and help them fall apart faster.  Good riddance to shitty memories.  She's glad this is gone for Gina, and about to be gone for her, too - soon it'll be like it never happened, that she was never this shitty of a person._

_"It wasn't supposed to be like this."   She means the pressure, and the feelings.  She never wanted that.  "And we work together...that can get complicated - "_

_"Uh, sure, maybe if I was a cop going out in the field with you...then you'd obviously be expected to prioritize my life and safety at all times, which may end in the death of ordinary randos.  But given my extremely boring duties, I don't see things getting that exciting."_  

_There's the slightest scratch to Gina's voice that really fucking scares Rosa.  She'd somehow talked herself into thinking this could be easy, probably because she couldn't picture Gina sad or serious.   She maybe didn't want to try very hard._

_"Look, I'm sorry," she repeats brusquely.  "But this is just what has to happen.  And now I've told you.  So..."_

_She's waiting for Gina to let her leave.  She's okay with whatever emotion drives that - anger, disgust, fine, just make this end.  Instead Gina lets out a cutting laugh.  "I guess I should have seen this coming.  It's a throwback, if you will."_

_"What does that mean?"_

_"You not calling.  Vintage Rosa.  Full circle sorta deal.  I get it."_

_"Fine, whatever.  I'm gonna go." One more time, like an idiot, she adds, "Sorry."_

_She pushes by Gina, going for the bathroom door - that isn't there anymore, that's gone from the colorless wall like the memory is trapping her to the end - but Gina keeps talking.  "You know the most creative souls tend to truly thrive after heartbreak.  I'm sure I'll thank you once I channel this into my two remaining passions: dance and tweets."_

_But Gina's voice is thick and shaking and Rosa shouldn't have looked back, but she did, she does, and that's when she sees it: that look on Gina's face, maybe the single scariest thing Rosa's ever seen.  Her eyes are overbright, her face etched with a pained disbelief that makes it impossible not to think about how she just used the word 'heartbreak'.  _

_Suddenly, a rush of anger storms through Rosa.  This is new.  "Stop it," she commands.  "Stop looking at me like that. You erased me, Gina.  Don't act like it mattered so much to you when you threw it away...you've been engaged eight damn times, but I'm the only one you feel like getting rid of?  Real nice."_

_Gina's face doesn't change, the expression oddly frozen now even as she moves her mouth to speak.  "Exactly.  And why do you think that is, Rosie?'_

_Rather than answer, Rosa squeezes her eyes shut and waits for this part to be gone._

 

* * *

 

Rosa wakes up with a headache wedged heavy between her eyes.  It's the kind that usually announces a hangover, though she doesn't remember drinking last night.

At the morning briefing, the receptionist sits down beside her.  Rosa must look surprised, because what's-her-name smirks.  "What?  You opened this door, I'm just settling in.  We're not done talking about a motorcycle entrance, either."    

Rosa just grunts softly in response, returning her attention to her coffee.  She has no idea what the woman is talking about, but whatever.  Rosa's heard she's weird.

 

* * *

 

_"Ro?  The time has come, babe.  You gotta get up."_

_Rosa doesn't open her eyes, just mumbles into a pillow, "The hell did you change my alarm to?"_

_"Katy Perry.  'Wide Awake'.  Thought it'd be aprop."_

_Rosa groans and rolls over on her back, squinting up at Gina, who's fully dressed and ready for work.  She hands Rosa a coffee mug, then sits on the edge of the bed, bragging, "I'm so. damn. productive when I'm here.  Already checked Twitter Facebook Insta Pinterest and made coffee._ 

_Kicking her comforter wrapped leg against Gina's knee, Rosa says, "The good part about living this close to work is sleeping."  _

_"Mmmm, but see, if I was sleeping and you were sleeping, who would make you coffee?"_

_"Solid point."_

_Gina tilts her hand, grinning fondly. " Aw.  Look at you, boo," she sing songs.  "You realize we'd have to be leaving right now from my place.  Why don't we sleep here all the time?"_

_Rosa arches an eyebrow.  "You said I don't have enough amenities."_

_"Mmm true.  Even though you did listen about the pop of color in the living room...no worries, though, I'll move in eventually, and between my possessions and your location, we are basically worthy of Cribs."_

_Gina's messing with her phone, that's how casual she says it.  There's not even a flick of a glance to check Rosa's reaction._

_So Rosa could get away with this.  There's time for her to wipe the likely horrified expression off her face and just ignore that comment, but her insides are clenched like a fist, and it feels like the only way unfurl it is to fling out the words, "That's a joke right?"_

_"Obvs.  Cribs isn't cool anymore, we're way above that."_

_"Not that.  You.  Moving in.  That's a joke."  This time is sounds more like an order than a question._

_Gina looks up, frowns at Rosa in distaste.  "Oh, no.  Babe. Really?"  _

_"What?"_

_"Full offense, but the commitment-phobe neanderthal is not a good look on you.  And you know I think you're dead sexy in almost anything, so that is a serious statement."  _

_Abruptly, Rosa throws the covers off and gets out of bed.  For some reason, the fact that Gina threw a compliment in there is at the forefront of her irritation.  She heads to the bathroom, muttering,  "I gotta shower."_

_Even though the memory is a morning, the light is starting to fade in the room.  Rosa glances back to see Gina stepping out of the spotlight, into dark._

_That morning, Rosa had come out of the shower to find Gina already gone, walking to the precinct a good half hour before she needed to leave.  Now, though, with the memory fading around her, Rosa abruptly turns on her heel and follows Gina out of the bedroom._

_"Hey," her voice is harsh and loud in her apartment's living room, which seems vaguely and generically rendered around Gina, the only point of focus.  "This is what I mean, this is why...you can't just bring something like that up out of nowhere!"_

_"Good Goddess, Ro, I didn't present you with a lease to sign."_

_"Still.  That's not what this was.  It was just sex."_

_"Exclusive sex, for over a year.  Anyone else I got that far with had already put a ring on it."   Gina folds her arms.  "If you thought things were going too fast, somehow, fine.  But we were more than just sex and you know it.  It wasn't just me."_

_Rosa frowns.  This isn't Gina of her memory, anymore, so it's just her own mind's manifestation...so why the hell does it keep making solid points?_

_The light is fading again, just a pinprick.  Rosa feels a yank at her insides that means she's about to move, be sucked into the next point on her brain's map, but before she does she hears Gina's voice, closer than she appears, "Seems like this is something we should have fought about for real, huh?"_

 

* * *

"Wait," Rosa cuts Jake off, surprised.  "You and Gina went to high school together?"  

Jake's eyes dart away, his expression weirdly nervous, but both Amy and Charles just shoot Rosa strange looks.  

"They  _grew up_ together," Charles, resident expert on all things Jake Peralta, clarifies.

Rosa rolls her eyes.  "Okay.  Is that supposed to be common knowledge?" 

"Don't you remember when Gina got hired?" Amy puts in.  "Jake got her the interview?"  

Shrugging, Rosa reiterates, "I literally had no idea."   

Amy looks like she's about to say something, but Jake jumps in, "It's not important, we barely ever talk about it anyway. Who knows why some people know things when other people...don't know them."

"Whatever." Rosa doesn't see how she could have been expected to figure out that relationship.  She doesn't remember Gina being much of a presence among the squad until about a month ago.  For some reason, around that time, she'd started showing up to after work drinks and even speaking up frequently - too much, really, considering her civilian status - in briefings or bullpen debates.  

But Rosa kind of likes Gina, much to her surprise.  Between Gina's social media obsession and her loud, showy confidence, Rosa had made some assumptions about her: namely, that she would've been one of Those Girls in high school.  The girls Rosa hated, the ones who would have been cheerleaders if Catholic or ballet school had such a thing but instead had only bitchiness and bullying as extracurricular activities.  

It turns out, though, that Gina's too goddamn strange to be one of Those Girls.  She's strange in a way that is sometimes annoying but more often makes Rosa genuinely laugh.  And even though she's often the only person in the room without a weapon, she can intimidate and terrify almost any cop in the squad.  

 _Obviously_ Rosa can't help but admire such a quality.

The squad goes to Shaw's that night for drinks.  Rosa likes going out with her friends, but doesn't believe being in the same bar at the same time necessarily requires constant interaction.  Especially immediately after a shift, when Rosa appreciates a half hour or so to simply drink in silence.

So Rosa's doing just that, sitting in a corner booth with only her drink for company. Her eyes idly roam the room and linger on Gina, who's talking to Jake and Amy closer to the bar.  Gina seems to be teasing Jake about something, and there's a warm familiarity to it that, retroactively, seems obvious to her.  Rosa's wondering how she missed it when Boyle slides in beside her.

With difficulty, Rosa suppresses a sigh.  Charles is a good guy, but he's been weird and intense with her since his divorce.  Rosa's bracing herself for the day she'll have to turn down a date, but tonight he still seems to be working up to it .

After a good fifteen minutes of Charles asking faux casual questions about her favorite music, movies, and restaurants, Rosa's starting to feel a bit desperate.  

Gina suddenly saunters over, sliding into the booth on Rosa's other side.  "Sorry to interrupt, pups," she says insincerely.  "Just got so bored listening to Jake's stories about Patrick." 

Boyle's whole body tenses, his head whipping around to look at Gina.  "Patrick?  Who's Patrick?" 

"Jake's bestie from high school.  They were so close they even went to junior prom together.  I guess Patrick just moved back to the city, Jake's thinking about calling him to meet us out - "

Charles barely mutters, "'Scuse me - " before darting out of the booth and desperately crossing the bar to join Jake.

Rosa watches him go, then turns to Gina.  "Was any part of that true?"

"Well, Patrick _is_ a person.   And he and Jake did go to junior prom together.  But I went with them, and Patrick and I got to third base.  No big."  She flashes a grin.  "Patrick lives in California now.  Just looked like you needed a save."

Rosa's actually impressed.  "Appreciate it.  Could've used you the last six months."  

"I been right here, kid,"  Gina says with a wink.  "Glad you finally squinted through your shroud of anti-social-ness and noticed."  

Rosa rolls her eyes, but she's fighting a smirk.  Gina takes out her phone, staying where she is but, to Rosa's pleasant surprise, apparently not feeling the need to cover the silence in small talk.

It's kind of nice.  

Rosa sips her beer.  

 

* * *

 

 _Two Weeks Notice_   _is playing on Gina's TV, and she's falling asleep leaning back on Rosa's chest._

_It's late, and Rosa doesn't want to wake her up.  Which means she didn't actually come over here for sex._

_It's not the first time that's happened.  Not even close, actually.  But the domesticity of this moment is unavoidable.  Gina - Gina Linetti, self proclaimed fashion icon - is wearing a pair of boxers and a 1998 Destiny's Child tour T-shirt with a hole in the neck.  The coffee table is littered with take out containers and this is their second rom-com of the night.  _ _Gina's hair is tickling Rosa's chin, and she keeps inhaling the scent of Gina's almond and shea butter shampoo._

_The memory's reproduction is visually perfect, every detail familiar.  But the feeling isn't right.  It feels too good._

_That night...Rosa had been stroking Gina's hair when she realized she was asleep, and all at once, the muscles in her throat ached, pulled tight by everything she hadn't meant to feel._

_It scared her.  It felt like Rosa had suddenly stopped and taken in her surroundings, maybe for the first time in months, and realized with cold, sinking dread that she'd ended up somewhere she'd never planned to travel._

_So Rosa had left.  She'd covered Gina with her favorite wolf blanket, the one Rosa gave her for her birthday, and turned her phone on silent before sending a text: she blamed the exit on Gina falling asleep, and not wanting to make her wake up and climb the narrow staircase to her lofted bedroom._

_But now - as the TV goes grey with static and wind starts scattering Gina's possessions, evidence that the memory is being blasted into oblivion - Rosa stays where she is._

_It doesn't seem so scary, now.  Ending things with Gina in Babylon, that look on her face - that was scary.  _

_Rosa braids her fingers through Gina's limp ones and closes her eyes.  She waits until the scent of Gina's hair fades and her hands end up empty._

_The memory goes dark._

  

* * *

 

Before Rosa can talk herself out of it, she gets up and follows Gina's unsteady shuffle to the precinct bathrooms.

She doesn't have to go far - Gina's slumped against the wall in the corridor, emitting a monotonous, low pitched groan.  On instinct Rosa loops an arm around her waist, tugging her into something resembling a standing position.  "C'mon. Don't you dare puke on me."  

Gina mutters something incomprehensible.  Rosa rolls her eyes.  

"See, this is why people shouldn't go to _sewer_  raves." 

Somehow, Gina manages to give her an ashen smirk. "Sad you didn't get an invite?  I'll hit you up next time."

"Pass."  

She has to let go of Gina to wheel the file storage shelf aside, revealing her secret bathroom.

"It's all yours, on the condition you tell no one."

 "You are a savior and a goddess, and my lips are sealed."  As soon as she says it, Gina's face pales and she drops to her knees, emptying the contents of her stomach into the cleanest toilet in the building.

"So not  _that_ sealed," Rosa makes a face, but she doesn't have a weak stomach, so with crisp efficiency she stands behind Gina and holds her hair back.  

By the end of the day, Gina's color has returned a few degrees closer than normal, and she's feeling well enough to compliment the decor in the bathroom. "You've really done a lot with the place.  The interior decorating is even up to Linetti standards."  

"I'm honored," Rosa deadpans.    

"As you should be.  So what's the name of that blessed oasis?"

"I pretty much just go with 'the bathroom'." 

"No imagination.  It needs a name...especially if it's gonna stay on the DL." 

"If naming it keeps you from telling people, fine, go nuts." 

"Gimme a second, inspiration will strike..."  Gina pauses, pursing her lips for about thirty seconds before she says, "I got it:  Babylon."  

"Fine, okay.  Babylon it is."

 

* * *

 

_It's the annual detectives - and Gina - only getaway.  They usually chip in for a rental house at the beach or the mountains, but since Boyle's divorce, he no longer needs his wife's permission to offer up their beach house - so long as the weekend falls during one of his months of 'house custody'._

_Charles is rattling off room assignments as they haul their luggage into the house, something he's obviously put a little too much thought into.  "Rosa, I put you in the single room in the basement...Jake and I will be right next door.  Gina and Amy, you two can share the room by the stairs - "_

_Before Rosa can even register disappointment, Gina cuts him off.  "Mmmm, no, sorry.  I'm familiar with Santiago's tolerance level.  Five drink Amy and she's down for the count.  I'm not waking up to her crying into her own vomit."_

_Amy makes an offended noise.  "I've never been drunk enough to throw up.  You're just trying to get a room to yourself."_

_"Fine, you can have the single.   I trust Diaz to hold her liquor."  Eyes flaring, Gina glances over her shoulder at Rosa._

_Rosa follows Gina to the bedroom by the stairs.  In one fluid motion, she tosses her bag aside, closes the door behind her, and pulls Gina against her._

_They make out against the door until Amy starts yelling at them to come do shots._

_The memories of the weekend start to blur together.  Rosa follows Gina into the hall and suddenly they're climbing into the hot tub._

_Gina's driving her crazy, deliberately positioning herself directly across the Rosa: just sitting there in her bikini, drinking champagne and sending secret, knowing smirks Rosa's way._

_Every once in awhile, her foot finds Rosa's leg under the water - once she obviously misses and gets Jake instead.  He jumps and looks momentarily alarmed, but fortunately can't seem to figure out the source._

_The steam on the hot tub is thickening, and she loses sight of the other members of the squad._

_Gina gets up and heads into the house.  Rosa follows, and just like that they're back in the bedroom, wet bathing suits gone.  It's late now.  Gina's beckoning her to one of the room's two double beds._

_They make out and drink warm red wine straight from the bottle Gina had grabbed from the kitchen's abundant booze supply, swapping sips as they shed their clothes.  Rosa finally snatches the bottle and sets it aside so she can stretch out on the bed and pull Gina on top of her._

_They're drunk and a little frantic; Rosa's been aching to do this for hours, and based on the frenzied desperation edging Gina's voice when she says Rosa's name, she's just as impatient._

_"Ssshh," Rosa murmurs against Gina's neck after one particularly emphatic exclamation, belatedly registering that they share a wall with Terry's room._

_"If you're worried about people hearing," Gina tells her.  "We could always go out to the hot tub.  I may or may not have had a little fantasy going when we were in there earlier."_

_Rosa can't help grinning at that; she_   _knew_ _Gina had been just as frustrated._

_it's a tempting suggestion.  "Maybe....but somebody could come outside."_

_"So what?  We're both hot.  We have nothing to be ashamed of.  It's not like sleeping with, say, Charles."  Gina shudders at her own hypothetical. "Ew.  I just ruined the moment for myself."_

_Rosa pulls back a little, looking down at Gina.  "It's nobody's business."_

_Gina rolls her eyes, slightly irritated.  "Whatever you say."_

_A beat passes, and Rosa rolls over and sits up, grabbing the wine from the bedside table.  She takes a sip, then silently passes it to Gina._

_It's a shitty moment, all that desire and affection getting sucked up into the silence.  Rosa can hear the rush of the waves, too close - around the bed, sand is piling over the carpet with waves crashing over top, leaving she and Gina marooned._

_And soon the memory will be washed away._

_Rosa wants to salvage it - the night, the trip, and now the memory.  Because it ended as a good one: she slides a little closer to Gina on the bed, and says tentatively.  "G, did you accidentally play footsie with Jake earlier?"_

_"Gaaaah."  Gina flops dramatically onto the mattress, face first, before tilting her neck enough to look up at Rosa.  "Don't remind me, I'm traumatized."  She reaches up, wrapping a hand around the nape of Rosa's neck.  "Come make it better, Rosie."_

_"Don't call me that," Rosa murmurs through a relieved smile, before pressing herself against Gina until the memory drowns._

 

* * *

Amy leaves after Gina gives them lycra body suits as a thank you gift, but Rosa lingers without really knowing why.  She makes a show of checking the window locks again, but really there's just something strange about being in Gina's apartment.  It reminds her of somewhere, and maybe if she stays long enough, she'll be able to place it.

There's also the fact that she feels a little guilty for giving Gina so much shit when she was just scared of a burglar.  Not everyone has a cache of weapons stashed around their home.

"You know if you ever wanted to get certified, I could take you to the shooting range sometime," Rosa says suddenly.  

"Really?"  

"Sure.  Every woman should know how to handle a gun."  

"Hmmmm," Gina muses.  "I  _would_ look dead sexy packing heat." 

Rosa's face warms, and she turns back to the window.  "I was thinking more like it'd make you feel a little safer, but okay." 

"You want a drink?"  

"Sure."  She follows Gina to the small kitchen area and accepts the proffered beer.  Without thinking much about it, Rosa opens a drawer by the sink and pulls out a bottle opener.

"Whoa." Gina raises her eyebrows.  "Are you some kind of kitchen psychic?"

"What?"  Belatedly, Rosa realizes what she's just done and frowns in confusion.  "Oh.  I don't know.  Just made a good guess."  

Gina suddenly springs away from her, pointing her own beer bottle at Rosa like a weapon.  "Oh my god, you're the burglar!  They really do return to the scene of the crime!"

"Shut up."  Rosa shoves Gina's brandished beer bottle aside.  "That's not going to protect you.  I'm taking you to the shooting range this weekend."

 

* * *

 

_When the house lights come back on, Rosa can't figure out exactly where to go.  Finally, she just hops the stage and strides into the wings, scanning the backstage area until she sees the members of Floorgasm gathered in some sort of post-show huddle._

_Rosa hovers awkwardly to the side, waiting until Gina looks up and spots her._

_She hadn't told Gina she was coming, a decision that utterly pays off when Gina's face lights up, purely delighted in a way Rosa's never seen her._

_"You saw the show?"  Gina exclaims in her approach.  Dramatically, Gina flings her arms around Rosa's neck and something sweet and warm sweeps through Rosa's chest._

_"You were great, G," Rosa tells her, soft against Gina's ear._

_"And by great you mean incredible and amazing, right?"_

_"Of course."_

_"And you also mean unbelievably sexy?"_

_"Obviously."_

_Gina pulls back to grin at her.  "So when you gonna join up, Madame Ballerina?  I bet we could inject some dazzle into your skillset."_

_"No way.  I'll leave it to you.  Oh..."  Rosa reaches into the oversized purse she'd brought just for tonight and pulls out her gift: champagne, along with a small wolf Beanie Baby circling the mouth of the bottle.  She'd used a twist tie to keep the stuffed animals paws together, like it's hugging the bottle, and suddenly the effort strikes her as embarrassing.  "Sorry, I probably should've just got some dumb flowers or something."_

_"Are you kidding?"  Gina's beaming at her.  She takes the wolf and sets it on her shoulder like a parrot.  "It's perfect.  You're perfect."   She takes Rosa's hand and tugs her toward the stage door.  "C'mon.  Walk me home.  We gotta break open this bubbly."_

_It's cold outside, and Gina moves automatically closer.  Rosa turns her head, kissing Gina on the temple.  Her skin is warm and she smells faintly like sweat._

_"I so love that you came," Gina says after awhile.  "I swear I wasn't even fishing when I told you."_

_"I know.  I just wanted to watch you," Rosa says honestly.  Something about tonight makes it easy to be honest.  Maybe it was watching Gina up on that stage so bright and alive, boldly throwing herself into a performance both riveting and ridiculous. Rosa couldn't take her eyes off her.  She'd be surprised if anyone could._

_Gina squeezes her hand.  "Thank you."_

_The wolf slips off Gina's shoulder, and Rosa reaches out with her free hand to catch it.  Suddenly, she wonders what Gina did with it.  Did she have to turn it over to Lacuna, or would a wolf toy not seem out of place in her apartment even if she no longer remember who gave it to her._

_Rosa's chest constricts all at once, thinking of Gina not remembering this night._

_Thinking that, soon, she won't remember..._

_The city lights are blurring around them, and sudden panic rushes through her.  Rosa stop walking, pulling Gina up short beside her.   "Wait, no, I...I want to keep this one."_

_Gina makes a face.  "I don't think it works like that."_

_"We don't know how it works..."  Rosa looks up at the sky, like she can see out of her own head and into her apartment, where the Lacuna guys are working.  She grits her teeth and shouts toward the starless sky.  "Hey, assholes, stop it!  I'm withdrawing consent for this part, leave this one alone."_

_Gina's voice has suddenly become reasonable.  "What, you're just gonna have this one night with absolutely no context?"_

_Rosa ignores that, doesn't want to think about it yet.  She just knows she can't lose this.  "You hear me?  I'm ordering you as an NYPD officer to stop, or I'll arrest you for an unauthorized medical procedure."_

_"Oh, boo," Gina says pityingly.  "If they don't listen to you, you're going to forget you ever made the threat."_

_Buildings are crumbling to dust around them, like obliterating this memory means tearing a whole city down.  The bottle of champagne bursts in Rosa's bag, shattered glass and sticky bubbles going everywhere._

_Rosa swallows hard.  She tightens her grip on Gina's hand._

_"Then I'm going to have to find somewhere to hide you."_

 

* * *

 

Rosa's jaw is aching by the time she emerges from the break room.  She's spent the last half hour grinding her teeth, physically choking back a barrage of curse words and threats to keep her negotiations somewhat civil.  

But she leaves with Gina's stupid wolf blanket, so at least she's emerging the winner.

Gina's still at her desk, waiting for Holt to finish up for the day, and Rosa balls up the blanket and tosses it unceremoniously in Gina's lap.  "Here."  

"Wolfie..."  Surprised, Gina tilts her head at Rosa.  "What'd you do to Hitchcock and Scully?  I'm not judging, just curious."  

"It was a nice gesture, but you suck at negotiating."  

"Um.  I beg your massive pardon?" 

"You do.  It's Scully and Hitchcock, you don't have to give up material possessions.  They like two things:  eating, and getting out of work.  Bribe 'em with food and a little bit of paperwork and they're satisfied."

"You hate paperwork, though."

Something about the way Gina's looking at her makes Rosa uncomfortable.  "It's not a big deal," she says firmly.  "I'm the one who let Boyle into Babylon."  She crosses her arms.  "And I know you say you're over wolves, but, y'know."  She shrugs.  "Just in case."  

Gina just looks at her, and finally Rosa nods curtly and turns to go.  

"Thank you, Rosie," Gina calls loudly after her.

"Don't call me that."   

"Ro Ro?"

"Stop it."  

 

* * *

 

_They're in Babylon.  Specifically, Gina's leaning against the wall, white knuckling a towel rack, and Rosa's head is between her legs._

_This has pretty much become the bathroom's sole function, quick trysts during work days that sometimes stop at making out and sometimes go all the way, but today is different._

_Rosa just pulled off a drug bust.  It had been a hard earned arrest of a big time dealer, and tracking him down had required some extremely impressive detective work, even if Rosa does say so herself._ _He'd fired at her, twice, using a gun she didn't know he had.  It had been over fast, but in that heartbeat between gunshots, Rosa had really thought she might die._

_It took half an hour after she returned to the precinct to get Gina down here._

_It takes a few minutes for Rosa to remember this is just a memory._

_She leans her head back, looking up at Gina with wide eyes and slick lips.  "We can't be here, Gina, it's on the brain map.  They're coming here."_

_"Nah, bitch, I 'm coming here."  Gina lets out a stuck, frustrated sound, arching forward in an attempt to catch Rosa's head with her thighs. "Or at least I'm trying to.  Finish what you started!" _

_Rosa shrugs away from her, standing up to look Gina in the eye.  "The eraser guys are coming, G, this is exactly where they'll be looking for you.  We have to go somewhere you aren't supposed to be." _

_Gina sighs dramatically, petulant as she pulls up her jeans and underwear.  "Fiiiiine."_

_Rosa grabs her hand and leads her out of Babylon, straining for some hidden memory that has nothing to do with Gina, who follows her and mutters, "I can finally see why you're doing this whole erasing thing.  If you still had memories of sex with me, how could you ever enjoy it with a lesser being?"_


	3. Chapter 3

Gina stands up in the middle of the bullpen and announces that she's been sleeping with Charles.  

Which is fine.  It was casual and it's over now, apparently, and it has nothing to do with Rosa.  

Something about it annoys her, anyway.  Gina never even fake flirts with Boyle to be funny.  Rosa's pretty sure she's not attracted to him at all - even Gina's little monologue about him being an outlier in her sexual history suggests that.  

But they've been sleeping together.  Like it's just that easy.

A few days pass, and everyone pretty much forgets.

A few weeks pass and Rosa meets Marcus.

She's relieved at the interest that sparks when she sees him.  She's starting to worry she's too comfortable being alone.  It's been so long since there was anything significant happening in her romantic life - whole years have slipped by without dates or even sex, and somehow Rosa didn't notice until she looked back.

There's one weird moment, when she's been dating Marcus for about three months.  She and Gina have spent the past few days working on Holt's brain teaser together, and in the end Gina gets the Beyonce ticket prize.  

She comes up to Rosa a few drinks into the night, leaning beside her on the bar while Rosa's waiting for another beer.  She waves the tickets around, and Rosa's lips curl, assuming Gina's just gloating again.  Then she says, "So you coming with me to this thing or what?" 

Rosa huffs dismissively.  "I told you, I wanted the tickets for Marcus' birthday." 

" _And_?  I presume you can still enjoy a concert without him."  Before Rosa can snark back at that, Gina gasps theatrically and clutches Rosa's arm.  "You _do_ like Queen Bey, yes?  Rosario Diaz - "

"That's not my name."

" - do not tell me something that's going to end our friendship."  

"Of course I like Beyonce," Rosa retorts gruffly, making a half hearted attempt to shake Gina off her arm.   

"Great.  So you're coming."  

Rosa should probably say no - she likes Beyonce, but Marcus  _loves_ Beyonce, and she could feel guilty going without him care of his intended birthday gift - but Rosa just shrugs and says, "Sure.  I'm in."

They go to the concert, and Rosa keeps laughing at Gina's comments, which are somehow both worshipful and self-aggrandizing - "Beyonce is my soul twin...pre reincarnation, we were one singular person.  Can you imagine that being?  She must have been majestic."  - and at the end of the night they're tipsy and happy and their shoulders keep bumping in the backseat of an Uber, even though there really should be a middle seat between them.  At one point,  Rosa finds herself idly thinking that she always manages to make room for Gina, never feels like her space is being invaded.  

"You wanna come up?"  Gina asks, apropos to nothing, when they pull up at her apartment.  "Have another drink?"  She grins.  She's sweaty from vigorously dancing at the show, flushed from booze and exertion. "I'll invent a cocktail and name it after one of the encore songs."  

Rosa feels herself tense back up, after hours of easy looseness.  Foolishly, the sentence _I have a boyfriend_ scales the walls of her throat and lands on the tip of her tongue before she stops it, her face warming at what she almost said.  

Her relationship status isn't relevant.  Obviously.  

Gina doesn't mean it like that.   _Obviously_.   

Rosa's being stupid.  She's just drunk.

Which explains how her hand has ended up splayed on Gina's knee for the latter half of the drive.

She snatches it back like her palm is burning, deliberately sliding further away in the backseat.  "I...I should go home.  'S late."  She jerks her gaze away.  "I'll see ya tomorrow."  

"Sure.  When I wake up like this....flawless."  

The grin in Gina's voice makes it impossible for Rosa not to look back at her.  Her eyes don't move until Gina's closed the car door and headed up the sidewalk to her apartment building, out of sight.  

 

* * *

 

_"We gotta go to a memory they're not looking to erase....before I knew you."_

_"Psh, good luck remembering such dark ages."_

_"Just follow me...I'm trying to think."_

_"Lead the way, bae."_

_Rosa closes her eyes, willing the precinct's subbasement away as pieces of Babylon dissolve behind them._

_When she opens them again, Rosa immediately groans, dropping Gina's hand._

_"Oh my God..."  A broad grin spreads across Gina's face as she takes in her surroundings - most specifically, Rosa's outfit.  She whips out her phone and starts taking photos.  "I know the Cloud probably doesn't reach inside your high school memories, but I gots to try."  _

_"Shut up."_

_Rosa makes a grab for the phone, but Gina expertly dodges her.  Her eyes gleam.  "It is tragic I didn't get a look at this when we could still role play." _

_"Perv.  I'm like sixteen here."_

_"You don't look it," Gina counters, correctly._

_They're standing in the hallway of Rosa's Catholic school.  Though she still appears in her adult form, Rosa's dressed for the memory: school uniform, side ponytail and all._

_Gina's still taking photos when the bell rings._

_"Ah, shit," Rosa murmurs.  Actual teenage girls in identical uniforms are spilling into the hallways.  It's disconcerting, all these vaguely recognizable faces in a place she remembers with shocking detail.  Even though it seems to be working - they won't come looking for memories of Gina here, and so far nothing's fading away - Rosa didn't count on this mind bending sensation, like she's stuck inside one of those high school dreams where she can't figure out where to go, how to get to a classroom she's been to a hundred times before._

_"Rosa!"_

_"Ro, did you finish the history notecards?"_

_Her friends converge around her, four other girls, all five of them the top of the class, the straight A kids.  An odd number can be tough for teenage girls, and the others fit more neatly into best friend pairs, but Rosa had liked them.  Friend groups weren't just for fun back then - they kept you safe._

_Rosa's sixteen year old friends don't give any indication of noticing Rosa's obvious adulthood, or Gina leaning beside her, hidden in the memory._

_"That weird theater in my neighborhood is doing a Hepburn marathon," Molly is saying.  "Seems like your thing, Ro."_

_Without thinking, Rosa asks, "Audrey or Katherine?"_

_"Um...the Breakfast at Tiffany's one."_

_"That's Audrey," Tara puts in._

_"These nerds are your friends?" Gina asks loudly, unimpressed._

_Rosa slides her a sidelong glare, speaking out of the corner of her mouth as if the girls might hear.  "What's nerdy about that?"_

_Before she answers, a chorus of laughter draws their attention across the corridor.  Ashley Franks and her entourage are trading loud, bitchy comments about a girl with jagged bangs and dark eyeliner._

_Gina follows Rosa's gaze.  "Who dat?"_

_"Mary Reynolds," Rosa mutters.  "Occasionally known as Hell Mary...H-e-l-l."_

_"Punny."_

_Rosa watches as her friends turn pointedly back to their conversation, blatantly ignoring the bullying.  Her stomach drops a little at the familiarity of the gestures; she used to do the same thing._

_Gina, though, doesn't know the protocol.  She sets her forearm on Rosa's shoulder, leaning on her, and nods across the hall.  "What's up with that?"_

_"Somebody's cousin went to summer camp with Mary and told everyone she was making out with another girl there," Rosa says in a dull voice.  "Shocker, but Catholic girls school in the 90's isn't the best place for a girl who kisses girls."_

_"So what about you?"_

_"Hadn't done that yet."  Rosa tightens her jaw, looks away.  She had... looked at other girls sometimes.  And when the rumors about Mary started, anxiety had started gnawing at Rosa's guts for reasons that scared her.  But she knew she liked guys, too.  She used to think that meant she could just ignore the other option._

_She remembers, suddenly, what Jake said when he admitted he knew about her and Gina dating: that he knew Gina likes girls, had known since high school._

_Rosa's voice hardens. "What, did you just spend all of high school throwing raging parties and making out with whoever you wanted right smack in the middle of them?"_

_"Probably," Gina agrees cheerfully._

_Rosa believes it.  She can't imagine Gina being anything less than enamored with any aspect of herself._

_Like she needs to justify herself and the difference between them, Rosa adds, "Anyway.  You had Jake.  You knew he'd be cool."_

_"What, you didn't have a best friend?"   Gina gestures at the uniform clad cluster, now walking off to their next class.  "None of these winners?"_

_Before Rosa can answer, the school hallway rattles.  She grabs Gina's arm out of instinct, and they both look up as distant, slightly disembodied voices sound from somewhere above._

_"Look at the brain activity, she must be here - "_

_"It's not on the map, what the hell?!"_

_Rosa dimly recognizes the voices of the Lacuna technicians.  The hallway shakes again._

_"Got her!"_

_The school is starting to blur, and slowly a crack opens up in the center of the floor.  Rosa backs up, shielding Gina behind her, cursing under her breath.  "Shit, shit, shit..."_

_"Excuse the double enten but we gotta go deeper.  Repressed memory city, Rosie."_

_"Don't - I can't think of anything..."_

_"Something you make sure you don't think about.  They won't be able to find us if you've buried it enough."_

_Rosa squeezes her eyes shut, digging frantically through buried shame or humiliation, and she feels the now familiar yank just before the chasm gets close enough to swallow Gina up._

 

* * *

 

Holt is transferred, and Gina follows him.

She quits.  Beyond the shock of Holt's speech and Gina's dramatic declaration, Rosa doesn't think much of it.

But in the next few weeks, Rosa becomes increasingly restless spending time in the bullpen.  Paperwork or research have never been her favorite parts of the job, but this degree of impatience feels new.  

She keeps catching herself glancing habitually at Gina's desk.  The sight of it empty always provokes a tiny jolt of re-remembering. 

They see each other at Captain Dozerman's funeral and stick close together the whole day.  Rosa isn't sure if she's making that happen or Gina is.  She only knows that having Gina back at her side, always there in her peripheral vision, brings the kind of satisfaction that usually comes from reparation: untangling a stubborn knot, fitting a puzzle piece into its perfect gap, threading a rip with careful stitches.  Returning something to its proper state.

After that, they start texting.  Just random messages throughout the day: Rosa sends her updates on members of the squad, even though Gina pretends she no longer remembers who they are.  Gina live texts Holt's mood and tells Rosa his poor attempts at Wunch insults.  

At some point the texts turn into constant, ongoing conversations.  Rosa even takes the habit home sometimes, enough that Marcus notices.  He's surprised, knowing she's not a big texter.  

Gina and Holt come back.

Two weeks later, Rosa breaks up with Marcus.

Almost out of habit, she texts Gina afterwards, curt and informative.  Within seconds, she's gotten back a string of emojis, only half of which seem applicable to the situation.

Immediately, she texts again.

 **GINA** **  
** **[U ok??  Need booze and boy bashing?]  
** **[srsly say the word I can bring over wine.** **I'll venmo charge you for half obvs lol]**

Rosa considers the offer.  Even though it was a relief to finally get the breakup done in an acceptable manner, she's been buzzing with jittery panic that there's something really wrong with her, like she's missing a piece somewhere.  There is every reason in the world that Marcus should have been her exception.  She should have loved him enough to stop being scared of settling down, getting comfortable.

She thumbs out a reply to Gina.

**ROSA  
[Sure.  Come over.]**

They drink wine on Rosa's couch and watch  _Something's Gotta Give_.  It pulls Rosa out of her own head.  She's noticed Gina's good at that.

Only later, when Gina's gone home and Rosa's falling asleep covered in a warm, pleasant wine buzz, does Rosa realize she didn't tell Gina how to get to her apartment.

Somehow she already knew.

 

* * *

 

_Unlike last time, when they'd landed in some generic, could-be-any-day moment of Rosa's sophomore year at Catholic school, she knows exactly when and where they are._

_The residence hall of the American Ballet Academy is adorned with generic Christmas decorations, including posters for the annual production of The Nutcracker, which is two days away._

_Rosa knows that because this is the day she got expelled._

_She's still in her leotard from rehearsal, a zip up hoodie thrown over it, her hair half falling from her bun.  She hears Gina make an appreciative noise, looking her up and down._

_Before she can make any comment, though, Rosa says as if they hadn't been interrupted, "Andrea."_

_"Uhhh, babe, it's Gina. I thought the whole point of this was saving your memories." _

_"No...you asked if I had a best friend in high school.  I did.  Andrea."  Rosa nods to a door across the hallway.  "That's her dorm room.  She was an out of state student, so she boarded.  From Minnesota somewhere."_

_"Okay....so we're just here to visit your ballet bestie?  I told you to pick something juicy."_

_The dorm room closest to them opens, and two other students from Rosa's class - Jerrika and Dawn - walk into the hallway.  They stop when they see her, giving her slanted, accusatory looks.  "What are you doing in the dormitory?"  _

_Rosa feels herself tilt into the memory, playing it out as it had happened.  "Looking for Andrea."_

_"Bet you are," Jerrika mutters derisively._

_Beside her, Dawn has her arms folded protectively across her shirt's neckline, like Rosa might be there solely to catch a glimpse of her cleavage._

_The girls exchange a look, eyebrows raised, judgment simmering.  They turn to leave, and Dawn mutters, "Dyke."_

_Rosa feels her hands stretch and spasm, clenching in ancient rage.  She'd wanted to attack them, but she'd talked herself out of it.  Stayed focused._ _She dimly hears Gina beside her - "Bitch did NOT just!"  - but it's fuzzy. Still pulled by her old intentions, Rosa strides over to Andrea's dorm and knocks._

_A few seconds later, Andrea opens the dorm._

_It throws her off, seeing how young Andrea is.  Was.  She looms large in Rosa's memory - the prima ballerina in her class, tall and willowy with a pixie cut and huge dark eyes.  The envy of them all.  Where Rosa began dancing at the community center, Andrea had private lessons.  For her, learning to walk just barely outdated learning to dance._

_Rosa had been crazy about her.  For about a month, Andrea felt the same way._

_Then, out of nowhere, she began telling everyone that Rosa came onto her, the story spun in a way that she sounded like some sort of forceful creep._

_Memory had turned Andrea into a monster, some mythological creature solely responsible for Rosa's whole life going sideways._

_Now, Rosa registers what she really looks like: a scared, sorry seventeen year old girl.   Someone who was probably confronted with evidence and panicked, offered Rosa as a sacrifice in a desperate attempt to save herself._

_But part of Rosa is still seventeen, too.  And because this a memory she can't change, that's the part that wins out._

_Rosa punches Andrea in the face, blacking her eye two days before she is scheduled to dance as Clara._

_Andrea screeches, tries to close the door, but Rosa bulls through it, punching her again, this time in the nose, before shoving her hard to the floor._

_Vanessa, Andrea's roommate, tries to shove herself between them, but Rosa grabs her by the neck of her leotard, pivoting and throwing Vanessa out into the hallway before turning her attention on her._ _Vanessa was the one to really spread the rumor around, make sure everyone knew.  She'd always been jealous of Rosa and Andrea's friendship, had always wanted the 'best' title for herself..._

_Rosa isn't thinking, just charges at Vanessa with animalistic fury fueled by heartbreak.  The halls are flooding with other students, everyone's yelling, and Rosa's got one fist wrapped around Vanessa's hair and the other's bleeding from her knuckles when two of the dorm counselors haul her backwards._

_When she's upright, her eyes lock on Gina, and just like that she snaps instantly back into her present self.  She remembers why she's here, revisiting this shit show: she's hiding Gina, she's keeping Gina, she has to. _

_She wonders where Gina was when this was happening for real.  Somewhere else in the city, a few years older than Rosa, maybe even kissing girls she didn't have to beat up after._

_So strange to think about that, realizing how long it took for them to find each other, even in the same city._

_So stupid to think Rosa was willing to start all over._

_The memory starts skipping forward, and suddenly Rosa's sitting outside the artistic director's office - dance school speak for 'headmistress' - holding a paper towel against her bleeding fists.  Gina's on the bench beside her.  She calmly reaches over and takes Rosa's hand gently in hers, holding a towel wrapped bundle of ice over her knuckles, which is weird because no one had actually done that.  Rosa isn't sure how her brain has even provided such a thing._

_"Wow." Gina marvels.  "I've decided ballet school should probably be pitched as a reality show.  That was a royal rumble better than anything on Real Housewives. But."  She looks Rosa in the eye.  "I would truly love some context."  _

_So Rosa tells her.  Everything, all of it._

_Uncharacteristically, the Gina of Rosa's mind has very little comment.  She just listens.  And when Rosa is done, she removes the ice, placing her warm hand over Rosa's chilled one.  "You could have told me this for real," she says._

_"Yeah."  Rosa's mouth is dry from all the talking.  She grimaces.  "I don't want it to seem like...I wish I could say this was the whole thing.  I know it sounds better.  Like the reason I wanted you secret and casual is because you're a woman and part of me is still freaked out by that.  But it isn't even like that."  Rosa feels her throat narrow, tears darting hot against the back of her eyes.  "There's something....wrong with me.  Me and relationships, and feelings, I don't...I'm not good.  No matter who it's with, I'm not good at them." _

_Painstakingly, she drags her eyes back up to Gina's.  In that moment, even though Rosa knows this is just in her head, that this isn't really Gina, she wants so, so badly for Gina to tell her it's okay.  She wants Gina to confidently instruct her how to get over it._

_But just as Gina opens her mouth, the lights flicker.  The technician's voices are back._

_"Got 'er....shit, that one took awhile...."_

_"Should we call the doc?"_

_"Nah, fuck it.  As long as we can find her, I don't care what else we blast."_

_"JUST LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE!"   Rosa yells in a sudden burst of fury.  She looks up as though searching for a source.  If she can hear them, how can they not fucking hear her, how is that fair?_

_"Rosie?"_

_She turns in the direction of Gina's voice, but Gina isn't there anymore._

 

* * *

 

"Wait,  _what_?  Why the hell is Gina with them?"  

Amy's voice is still shivering from the cold as she leads Rosa and Holt to the parking lot.  "They're not on duty, they just happened to be at the store..."  Fear catches in her voice.  "God, they aren't even armed..."  

Somehow, Rosa stumbles into the car they'd taken to the Polar Plunge, her brain going as numb as her extremities, soaked in ice cold ocean water.  

She sees Amy fumbling with her phone, replying to a long string of texts from Jake.  Rosa leans forward.  "What's he saying?"  

"The robbers don't know they're there, apparently the three of them are hiding..."  The pressure in Rosa's chest lets up a little.  "Jake says they have drilling equipment to break into the safe, he and Charles are in touch with Terry outside and they're gonna try to - " Her phone dings with a new text.  "Oh, God, he says they got Gina."

"What?  They shouldn't have allowed that to happen."  Captain Holt says gravely.  "Peralta and Boyle know the priority is protecting civilians."  

Rosa doesn't say anything.  Her lungs feel like they're the ones who just took a Polar Plunge.  It's making it kind of hard to breathe.

In the line of duty, she's been shot at six times.  She's seen friends shot twice.  There's always an adrenaline that takes over, wedging itself between Rosa and the fear, keeping her moving. 

Now, though, she is still and far away, trapped in the backseat of a car, helpless and little kid scared.  

It takes them thirty-two minutes to get there, and by the time they're out of the car, they see the hostages, Jake, Gina, and Boyle included, jogging out of the building.

Amy starts running, Rosa's right at her heels and there's this moment where she nearly beelines straight for Gina.  She feels lightheaded with relief and the last gasps of terror, and is probably about to do something ridiculous like hug her even though that isn't something they do.  

Fortunately, seeing Amy throw herself at Jake and kiss him - because they're a  _couple_ , because that's what  _couples_ do when they reunite after danger - stalls Rosa's momentum.  She stops six feet short of Gina, who meets her eyes for only a second before another cop shows up and leads her away.

Rosa shoves her hands into her pockets and walks away from the action.  She feels shaken and a little sick.  After a few minutes, she looks over her shoulder and sees Gina standing alone.  She should probably go check on her, make sure she's okay, but Rosa still doesn't trust herself not to do something crazy.  

She doesn't understand this reaction, the strength of it.  It's overwhelming.  

Of course she loves the 99.  It's sappy, and she'd never say this out loud, but they've become a wonderfully weird sort of family.  

But at some point, Gina became singularly important in a way Rosa doesn't always understand.  

Then suddenly Gina's standing in the middle of the street with a flame thrower, and honestly, how could she  _not_ be Rosa's very favorite person?  

"Somebody take her down!"  Terry yells.  

Jake lets out a feminine yelp as he and Charles cower against the ambulance, but Rosa finally shakes herself out of a stupor and runs for Gina, wrapping a firm hand around her arm, forcing the lighter and hairspray bottle apart so other officers can grab the fleeing culprit off the pavement.  

"Moron," Rosa mutters softly, tinged with unmistakable affection.  

Gina grins, slightly wild eyed, lilting into Rosa's side.  "You know you loved it." 

And maybe Rosa was right not to trust herself, because the next thing she knows she's blurting out, "I'm taking you home." 

Gina just nods, agreeable and apparently unsurprised.  "Mmmkay."  

They go to Gina's apartment.  She doesn't offer up any specifics about her hostage ordeal, and Rosa doesn't ask.  Gina starts going through her DVDs, mostly rom-coms and dance movies.  She holds up _Two Weeks Notice_.  "Seen this?"  

"Nope."  

She puts the movie on.  They open beers and sit with less than half a couch cushion between them.  Over an hour into the movie, Gina says, apropos of nothing,  "I thought Jake was going to get shot."  

Rosa turns to look at her; Gina's still watching the screen.  "Really?" 

"Mmm.  The one guy - the sexy one?  kind of Charlie Hunnam energy but evil?  - had a gun to his head before Charles popped out of the ceiling."  

Rosa refrains from asking about the ceiling.  She studies Gina for a long moment: her expression is neutral, but the muscles of her throat are tensing and untensing almost imperceptibly, her fingers fluttering nervously against her near empty beer bottle.  

Casual, Rosa asks her, "What were you guys doing at the store anyway?"  

"Oh."  The ghost of a smile streaks across Gina's face.  "Jake forgot to get Charles a gift.  A much more volatile situation, given Boyle's emotional fragility...could have ended in a lil Christmas murder-suey."  

Rosa snorts.  Then, she grabs Gina's phone from the coffee table - really, the fact that she's left it alone for so long should have clued Rosa in that something was wrong - and hands it to her.  "You should call Jake.  Make sure he got the gift thing settled."  

For the first time, Gina looks at Rose.  The corner of her mouth tips into a small, grateful smile, but she just nods crisply.  "Smart."  

Rosa pauses the movie while Gina scrolls to her contacts and then lifts the phone to her ear.  She's buzzed enough that it doesn't occur to her to wander into the bathroom or kitchen to give Gina some privacy.  

Anyway, it's nice to see the way Gina's face relaxes when Jake answer.  "Aye, girl."  Rosa slides a little lower on the couch cushions, looking up at Gina and listening to her half of the conversation.  "You kidding?  I'm _amazing_.  I essentially _saved_ the _city_ with a lighter, bottle of hair spray, and my own two hands.....exactly....thank you for the acknowledgement.  Just wanted to see if you have a plan for Charles, buying the cologne 'for Amy' was kind of weak sauce as lies go....uh-huh....of course he did.....ugh, what a classic Boyle move.  Glad it worked out though."  There's a longer pause, suddenly, and Gina's eyes soften the slightest bit.  "You know me, Jacob, had to be a hero.....yeah.....you too, boo....samesies....yeah.   Bye."

She hangs up and without missing a beat, Gina drains the rest of her beer, then starts collecting the other empties scattered about.  "Another?"  

"I don't know.  I should probably stop." 

"You're welcome to crash."  

"Um...I should - I have to be up early to get to my sisters." 

"Oh, dang."  Gina's eyes widen in realization.  "That's right.  It's _Christmas_.  Or..."  She checks the time on her phone, then grins.  "Nah, it's Christmas.  As of four minutes ago."

At that realization, they smile at each other until Rosa feels slightly foolish.  "What are your plans tomorrow?"

Gina groans.   "Even though our brush with danger fortuitously got me out of tonight's Boyle family bash, there is more holiday merriment on the schedge." 

"Sounds like a nightmare." 

"True suffering, Rosa.  As a hero, I don't deserve it."  She finally stands and heads to the kitchen, dumping the bottles and returning with two more for herself.  "Sure you're good?"

"Yeah, thanks.  I should head home soon."  Rosa picks up the remote.  "But we can finish the movie.  I need time to get sober."

"Guess I'm double fisting then."  Gina takes a sip from both beers, then flops clumsily onto the couch beside her, even closer this time. Rosa keeps sneaking glances at her, and before she successfully sobers up she finds herself wondering - not exactly for the first time - how the hell it could have taken so long to notice Gina.

A dreamy, traitorous thought floats through Rosa's head: maybe if she and Gina had just met at a bar somewhere, maybe Rosa would have noticed her right away.  Maybe she would have bought her a drink.  Maybe she would have tried for something...

But instead they work ten feet away from each other, every single day, and have a lot of the same friends who would want to get in their business.  It would be messy, and almost instantly serious, and Rosa doesn't do relationships that way.

So instead they spend the first hour of Christmas together and then Rosa goes home to her own apartment and her own bed, but not before mumbling awkwardly, "I'm glad you're okay and everything."  

Gina gives her a lopsided, drunken smirk, eyes flashing with triumphant.  " _Knew_ you were worried."  

Rosa rolls her eyes.  "Merry Christmas.  I'll see ya back at work in a few days...try not to get yourself captured in the meantime."

Gina leans against the doorframe, smiling woozily.  "Only for you."  

 

* * *

 

_They're in the back row of a movie theater, Gina's legs draped over hers.  Rosa buries her hair in Gina's hair and groans.  "We're back on the brain map."_

_"Seems that way."  Gina looks at her.  "Much as I love the tour through your teen years - especially the accompanying outfits - I'm starting to think this plan is a big 'ol fail."_

_Rosa tips her head back, feeling spent and defeated.  "Then what are we supposed to do?"_

_Gina reaches over, fastening her hand to Rosa's jawline and making her look.  "There's a whole lotta good stuff coming up," she reminds her.  "Maybe the only thing we can do is enjoy it."_

_Tight throated, Rosa nods.  That's all the invitation Gina needs to lean forward and kiss her.  They make out like teenagers, in the back row of the theater, staying through the credits._

_The memories move and blur together, sex in their apartments, in Babylon, even once in the bathroom at Shaw's after a night full of gleaming, secret filled glances._

_When they get to the day Rosa first showed Gina her secret bathroom -  and Gina, after the first of many trysts there, had promptly named it Babylon and made a pledge to decorate - she's able to date the memory enough to realize there isn't much time left._

 

* * *

 

Rosa meets Adrian.  Her feelings for him are fueled by danger and adrenaline, and she thinks maybe this is the secret, making a commitment when it still feels exciting, when marriage isn't just some final step in settling down.

Gina leaves her bachelorette night with a dirtbag they meet at a drug store, and apparently they jet off to Puerto Rico.  She doesn't answer Rosa's text, asking if she'll be back for the wedding next week.

She does answer when Rosa updates her, short and clinical, about Figgis, and Adrian going into hiding.  She gets home two days later, with no further mention of Dirtbag guy.

 

* * *

 

_Gina's been working at the precinct for two weeks before she brings it up, but that doesn't really matter.  It's there, whenever Gina looks at Rosa, hovering in her eyes and smile and every molecule of the air between them._

_The squad's out at Shaws, and Gina swans over to Rosa's solitary table and takes a seat.  Acting like this is the first conversation they've had in years, she asks, "So do they all know what a heartbreaker you are, Rosie?"_

_"Don't call me that."_

_"Don't call..."  Gina repeats, a musing expression on her face.  "Sounds familiar.  Must be your personal mantra."_

_She's teasing, no actual bitterness to the words, so Rosa just rolls her eyes and doesn't offer an apology.  "It was a one night stand, and we were hammered.  Didn't know Jake would be getting you a job seven feet from my desk."_

_"You should've seen your face when I walked in....I could tell our night of ecstasy has kept you warm for all these years."  She grins._ _"No need to fear, I'll keep the deets of our sordid past to myself."  Then, winking, "And I promise to only sext you when work is espesh boring."_

_The night slips by fast in her memory, the two of them playing a game of chicken as, one by one, the other members of the 99 call it a night.  Jake's the last to leave, and suddenly Rosa's standing on the sidewalk beside Gina and it's impossible not to think about the first time they met, years ago._

_She wants her in exactly the same way._

_Gina catches Rosa looking and tips a knowing smirk her way.  She takes a step closer and simply asks, "So we doin' this?"_

_It feels so obvious, for Rosa to do exactly what she wants, which is stride forward and take Gina's face in her hands, kiss and kiss and kiss her._

_They sink into for a long moment, but when Rosa pulls away the city is falling down around them.  She looks at Gina intently.  "We never decided.  It was like we just knew it was a secret.  Like we knew we'd keep doing it."_

_"Was kinda sexy that way," Gina reminds her.  "At first."_

_Rosa nods, knowing she's the one who should say it, even if none of this is real.  "Then I was the one who clearly wanted to keep it that way."_

_"Yep."  Gina pops the P, giving a little 'such is life' shrug._

_There's a rumble as the memory continues to avalanche around them, and Rosa pulls Gina against her, holding on like she can protect them both from the end that's coming._

 

* * *

 

After Adrian leaves, Rosa and Gina spend a lot of time together: drunk nights in or out, watching movies at their respective apartments or going to Shaw's to play pool, which Gina is shockingly good at.  When Jake and Holt go into witness protection, they start inviting Amy sometimes, Gina clarifying it's only out of pity. 

Sometimes Rosa catches Amy watching them like she's trying to figure something out.  She always brings up Adrian when that happens, loudly and out of nowhere.  

That usually makes Gina finish whatever drink she's holding, head to the kitchen or bar for more.  Sometimes when they're out, she takes guys home with her.  Rosa tells herself she's only jealous because she can't do the same thing.

Once, Gina goes home with a woman.  Rosa pretends that information doesn't matter to her.

 

* * *

 

_The bar is full of their academy classmates, all these freshly graduated officers, and Rosa loses track of Jake and his friend for awhile.  She's talking to Nate Brewer, who's carried on a mild flirtation with her for most of their training.  Rosa had the vague inclination of sleeping with him after graduation, but now that the moment has arrived she isn't particularly interested._

_She keeps glancing around, looking for Gina._

_Rosa finds her toward the end of the night.  Or, rather, Gina finds her, approaching from behind and plunking two tequila shots and a napkin piled with lime slices onto the table with a flourish.  "For you.  In congratulations."_

_Rosa nods in thanks, holding up her shot glass to cheers.  Gina taps hers against it, dramatically intoning, "To Sasha Fierce!"_

_"Y'know it would have made more sense to toast me,"  Rosa points out, her words coming out a little loose and syrupy from the drinks she'd let Nate buy her._

_"Okay," Gina says agreeably.  "What's your onstage alter ego? Or, fine, your undercover alter ego?" _

_"Why would I have that picked out already?"_

_"Jake has at least a dozen."_

_"Jake watches too many movies."_

_"True dat.  But here, I'm giving you one."  She waves her hand mystically in front of Rosa's face, like she's reading her aura, then says: "Deanna Glitter."_

_"Criminals would laugh in the face of anyone with the last name Glitter."_

_"Hush.  It's my official choice."  She raises the shot glass.  "To Deanna Glitter!"_

_They toss them back, chasing the shots with limes, leaving Rosa's throat sour and stinging._

_Feeling brazen, Rosa leans forward on the table to look at Gina, eyes sparking a challenge.  "Y'know, there's another way to do that."_

_"Color me intrigued."_

_They go to the bar, order another round, and this time Rosa rubs the lime against the underside of Gina's wrist, the touch already feeling vaguely illicit.  She pours the shot over her lips then presses them to Gina's arm, sucking lightly._

_Gina's grinning when she looks up, and she quickly repeats the ritual with Rosa._

_They order actual drinks, and Gina talks and talks, about the dance troupe she founded and a long list of potential names, about the political platform she'd adopt and win under if running for office wasn't so unglamorous, about how long she and Jake have been friends and how Jake once punched the one and only human who'd ever been bonkers enough to reject her._

_She is the strangest person Rosa's ever met, and Rosa is absolutely going to kiss her at the end of the night._

_She succumbs to a cliche eventually: leans forward, her hand on Gina's leg under the bar top, and just says, "Wanna get out of here?"_

_Gina nods, looking eager and pleased with herself.  Rosa takes her hand and tugs her toward the exit; the part of Rosa that knows this is just a memory registers a renewed surprise that she was the one to start this, the one making the boldest moves.  _

_The first kiss, on the sidewalk waiting for a taxi, is clumsy and soft and starts out far sweeter than makes sense between two strangers before it ignites._

_This time, Rosa can't bring herself to ruin it by acknowledging it isn't real.  She just falls into the moment, grateful to relive the heat between them before the whole scene burns away, turning to ash._

 

* * *

 

When Rosa cancelled her second attempt at a wedding to Adrian, she is left with nothing but relief.  It turns out marriage will always feel like marriage, spontaneous and adrenaline fueled or not.  

Their cold feet chill the entire relationship, and sometimes Rosa worries about what will be left when all the heat goes away.  

She categorically dismisses the idea of living together, and Rosa finds they work best when they don't see each other for stretches of time.  They take to showing up at the others' place at unpredictable moments, trying to live off reenactments of their reunion after eight months apart, when it felt like they might devour each other.

But Rosa's dimly aware that they can't stage absences forever.

She thinks about Marcus, who never made her desire feel loud enough, and now Adrian, who loses his appeal as soon as things get quiet.  

Maybe this is just her being stubborn and uncompromising, chasing something elusive: a person who sets her heart at just the right volume.  Maybe she'll have to choose between heat and warmth instead of building a relationship whose temperature can fluctuate without ever going cold.  

And then there's the maybe she only indulges in the middle of the night or after a few too many drinks, and only on days when Gina smiled at her at just the right angle: maybe if she and Gina had just met at a bar somewhere, maybe, maybe,  _maybe_...

 

* * *

 

_When Rosa Diaz's name is called at her police academy graduation, respectful applause echoes through the room, with a small, contained burst of enthusiasm rising from a concentrated section.  This tends to be the pattern for each new officer, making it easy to locate the cluster of their friends and family.  Rosa's whole family is here - parents, aunts and uncles, a couple cousins, and her sisters with their babies and dumb husbands - and they happily and dutifully whoop and cheer for her._

_When Peralta's name is called, the vicious crack of a confetti canon punctuates the applause._

_The room is full of cops, all of whom clasp a hand instinctively to their holsters; a few even draw their weapons before noting the cloud of blue and black descending over one unlucky section of the crowd._

_The names fade to a muffled, rhythmic hum, like a radio going out of tune, and somehow the confetti is fluttering in the air around Rosa, unending.  Low, staticky panic starts to buzz unpleasantly in Rosa's gut, it shouldn't be warping already, not yet, it's too soon, especially if this --_

_This is it.  It's almost over._

_Rosa's talking to Jake after the ceremony when a woman their age comes up from behind him, shaking his shoulders and crowing, "Hey boo.  Or do you require Officer Boo now?"_

_Jake breaks into a gleeful grin.  "Depends on my cover identity for the day, you know that."  He hugs her.  "Thanks for coming, Goose."_

_"Um, I more than showed up, Jake.  I was your damn hype woman!  Did you_  see _that confetti?"_

 _"That was_  you _?"  Rosa asks bluntly, speaking for the first time since the woman approached._

_"Oh, my bad," Jake hastily corrects.  "Rosa, Gina, Gina, Rosa."_

_Gina holds out her hand in an ostentatious manner, her voice going prim as she says, "'Sup?"_

_Rosa fights an eyeroll, wondering if she should recant her pleasure at being hired at the same precinct as Jake:  all this time, he never mentioned a weird girlfriend.  That could get annoying._

_Brusquely, she shakes Gina's hand.  "How long have you two been together?"_

_Gina and Jake instantly transform into nine year olds.  Gina recoils, her whole body twitching in an exaggerated shudder,  while Jake's face contorts in disgust and he drags out a lengthy "Eeeeeeeeeew," to match._  

_"Never."_

_"We grew up together."_

_"I'm disgusted at the mere suggestion."_

_"She's practically my sister."_

_"He's like a cherished third cousin to me."_

_Jake swings a pouty look at her.  " Gina."  _ 

_She ruffles his hair.  " Deeply cherished, Jacob.  Even more so now that you can get me out of tickets."_

_Rosa's lips twitch the slightest bit.  She likes the ease between them, the warm, lived in affection.  It makes her like Jake even more, knowing he's so close to a female friend.  And Gina..._

_God, Gina._

_Rosa takes a second, just looks at her.  Police officers and spectators have begun to fade out of the background, the arena like a movie scene that couldn't afford enough extras. Rosa's throat narrows, all the strings stretching between then and now tightening in her chest, pulled taut before they're finally severed._

_She has yet to feel so acutely present in both moments: Rosa is seeing Gina for the first time - she is brand new, dangerous, something to be discovered.  And Rosa has loved her for so long - love that fits her perfectly, so Rosa knows by heart the spots where it's softest, the most worn._

_"G," she says softly, so many words piling at the base of her throat._

_Gina doesn't seem to hear her.  She's studying Rosa with more focused interest now, eyes alight with curiosity.  "No offense to Jake..."  She claps her hands over his ears, stage whispers, "You look way better in the uniform."_

_Rosa remembers that, the flirtation so simple and boldly offered.  The way her stomach bottomed out with fear and distant, sudden desire.  She remembers this, she remembers everything, but she wants it to stop because there's not enough left -_

_Jake is shrugging with Gina's hands still over his ears.  "I'm fine with that."_

_Gina flashes Rosa a grin.  "Dare I say, you'd probably even make a better protagonist in, I don't know, a major movie franchise where the hero is a law enforcement officer."_

_Jake gasps theatrically, shaking out of her grip.  "Too far!"_

_"Oh, yeah?"  Rosa arches an eyebrow, challenging.  "You got a problem with female protagonists in action movies?"_

_Gina turns to stand next to her, crossing her arms in front of her chest, mirroring Rosa.  A thrill sings up Rosa's spine.  The first time they were united in snark.  It feels fresh and familiar, everything all at once.  "Especially a strong woman of color in the starring role?"_

_"Easy," Rosa mutters._

_Gina doesn't miss a beat.  "I raised you better than that, Jake."_

_Jake nods, sheepish.  "You're right, I'm sorry.  Diversity in male dominated genres is more important.  As long as we can all agree I'm the most John McClane, who's already a white male."_

_Rosa nods approvingly, bumping Gina's elbow with her own.  "Good job with him."_

_"I take full credit."_

_"Well, there was also my mom, and my grandmother - "_

_"Hush, Maverick.  We're giving you a compliment.  Who cares which lifelong friend slash life coach is responsible for your admirable qualities."  She winks, clicking her tongue to accompany it.  "Way to be."_

_Jake laughs.  "What are we still doing here?   Let's get our drank on."_

_"Don't say that ever again," Rosa says._

_"Copy that."_

_Jake starts to walk off, fading into a fog.  Gina glances at Rosa, nods her head in Jake's direction.  "Comin' with?"_

_That happened.  That was real:  Gina being the one to ask her, make sure she's joining.  Like she was already Gina's to include._

_"Gina, wait..."  The pitch of Rosa's voice hops toward panic, and she reaches out for Gina's hand: not real, she hadn't touched her this early, couldn't do it without three beers and a shot of tequila -_

_The arena is empty around them now, of anything: the people, the chairs, even the stray confetti is gone.  Their voices have a big, unnatural reverberation, filling the space._

_Gina looks back at her, something shifting behind her eyes, subtle but instantly recognizable.  She is no longer her past self, the self who has only known Rosa for a few minutes.  She is looking at Rosa the way she does now, a look they've earned.  _

_Like a dance is going on in Gina's eyes and the playlist is perfect.  Like her stupid psychic just handed her a perfect vision of her future with Rosa and she can't wait to gloat when it comes true._   _Like a smile Gina couldn't manufacture for even the most important selfie._

_Like love, at the perfect volume, perfect temperature, perfect everything._

_Gina's giving her that look...or it's just Rosa's memory of that look.  Shit._

_She doesn't get to keep it._

_She has to try anyway._

_"Let's not go," Rosa's voice is urgent.  "Let's not leave for the bar."_

_"Uh, we did that part already, babe," Gina points out.  "You really are forgetting."_

_"Shut up.  I just mean...we don't walk out the door.  We don't follow Jake.  We stay.  Fuck 'em, right?  Then I'll wake up, and there'll....there'll still be something there."_

_"What, meeting me at your graduation a million years ago?  That's basically on par with you showing up at work and thinking I'm just the random receptionist."  She smirks.  "You're already going to go into crisis over how you failed to notice such a miraculous creature right in your midst.  Why confuse things?"_

_"It's not just this," Rosa says through her teeth, waving a frustrated hand to indicate what's left of the graduation memory.  "It's me.  Me, right now, I still know everything, I know how I..."  Her voice falters.  _

_The memories are gone.  She watched them all fade, and even when she tries to recall them, everything is smudged and incomprehensible, like a dream she had too many days ago._

_But Rosa still knows they were there.  She still knows what they meant, everything they add up to._

_She knows how she feels._

_"I love you, okay?"_

_Gina's expression doesn't change._

_Rosa takes a brave breath, says it again, without sounding angry.  It comes out desperate. "I love you, Gina."_

_Gina blinks.  She smiles benignly.  None of it's really a reaction._

_" Gina."  Her voice cracks in half, the threat of frightened, furious tears leaking through.  Gina blurs in front of her, and it's not the fucking brain machine, it's not,  so Rosa blinks and blinks and blinks until Gina comes back into focus.  "Do you hear me?"  She seizes the front of her jacket, pulls her close.  "Jesus Christ, G, I'm saying I love you.  I love you."  _

_Gina's voice is soft, but it sounds hollow.  Like it's not even her.  "You never said it in real life.  Guess you can't imagine how I'd react."_

_Rosa sucks in a sharp breath, and when she releases it comes out in this horrible, crooked sound.  Like something mangled.  "I'm sorry..."  Her face is wet.  She clenches her fist tighter around Gina's jacket and sends her free hand skimming through Gina's hair, holding on and clutching proof as her vision swims and the memory closes in around them.  "I love you I'm sorry I'm so sorry I love you..."_

_Gina touches two fingers to Rosa's chin, her voice gentling like she maybe pities Rosa a little.  "Let's just kiss, Rosie. That we are always damn good at."  _  _Rosa nods against her forehead.  A playful smirk slips into Gina's voice.  "You're supposed to tell me not to call you that."_

_"I actually kinda like it."_

_"I'm well aware of that, babe.  Give me some credit, geez.  I'm in on our games."_

_Rosa returns to frantic, compulsive murmuring of her belated declarations, and she's not sure whether love or apology is the last thing she breathes out before Gina's lips seal over hers._

 

* * *

 

And then Gina Linetti gets hit by a bus, and Rosa's whole fucking life falls apart in the wreckage.  


	4. Chapter 4

Jake's gleeful and practically skipping when he comes back to the bullpen, straight for Rosa's desk to regale her with his latest encounter with Doug Judy in excruciatingly thorough detail.  

"...so he said I'm a thirsty ass bitch, and Captain _obviously_ knew what was going on because he agreed - "  Jake's phone rings, and he glances down at it.  Rosa can see Amy's face on the screen.

"Please.  Feel  _free_ to answer."  

"Nah, I'll call her back." 

"Oh good," Rosa deadpans.  

"So where was I?"  

"The end?  I hope." 

"No, right, so Doug's brother has the gun on me, and - "  He stops talking as his phone rings again.  Jake frowns.  "Hold on, I should make sure everything's okay..."

Rosa exhales in relief as Jake answers the phone and greets Amy.  She starts gathering her stuff to make a quick exit, but still when Jake's eyebrows knit together, confusion tightening his expression.  

"Wait, why?  What happened?"  Rosa watches him closely.  After a moment, Jake's face relaxes and he laughs.  "Oh, okay, I know what this is.  Do you owe her money?  No, you'd never borrow money...you lose a bet?  Look, just tell her I'm crying a lot, okay?  I saw how she was with her grandmoth - " He stops talking, smile freezing on his face.  "Ames, wha - ?"    Jake's face pinches, all mirth washed away by whatever Amy's saying.  

Rosa stands up, for no real reason.  Her insides feel shaky and precarious, teetering over whatever bad news she's about to get.  Her eyes dart around the precinct, trying to figure out who isn't here.  Her first thought is Charles, but no, Jake had said  _her_  and that means, oh fuck, it's Christmas Eve all over again, she's not even a cop, how is it that she's never fucking safe?  

"Yeah, we'll be right there."  Jake's voice is small and hollow when he hangs up, dragging reluctant, haunted eyes to meet Rosa's.  

Somehow, the way he's looking at her confirms it.  Rosa doesn't even say her name, can't fit it around the tightness in her throat.  "What happened to her?"

"Hit by a bus," Jake says it with something like wonder.  His breath comes out in a jerky sound like a laugh with all the amusement scooped out.  "Boyle and Amy are with her, I don't know...we gotta go to the hospital."  

The two of them are halfway to the elevators when Jake pulls up short, turning around and looking around the precinct with a confused expression.  "Should we...we should tell other people, right?"  

Rosa doesn't answer.  Her jaw starts to ache from how hard she's been clenching her teeth.  

"Cap-taaain?!"  Jake calls out into the middle of the bullpen.  He looks and sounds like a kid lost at the mall, looking for his parents.  All of a sudden, Rosa is seized with the desperate need to get out of this room, _right now_ , or she's going to completely lose it.

"I'll wait downstairs," she mutters in a strained voice, only dimly aware of Terry and Holt heading toward them.  She bypasses the elevator for the stairs, her legs unsteady beneath her as she clatters for the exit.

The cool, stinging air hits her face and Rosa's body jackknifes, terror doubling her over.  She inhales crookedly, and her abdomen muscles clench and heave, like she's choking on air.   

 

* * *

 

 

"She's in surgery." is the first thing Amy says, even before Jake gets to her for a hug.

"What's her condition?,"  Holt asks, and Rosa dimly realizes no one's even come close to asking that yet.  Gina got hit by a  _bus_.  There's no way the answer won't be terrifying.

Amy clearly doesn't want to be the one to answer this question.  She glances helplessly over at Boyle, on the phone in the corner of the waiting room, before stammering, "She's um, got a brain bleed.  A hemorrhage.  They're doing surgery to, to relieve the swelling?  There's also...a bunch of broken bones, and more internal bleeding.  And she lost a lot of blood.  There's all kinds of surgeons in there, a neurosurgeon and a trauma surgeon and, and I think ortho, maybe?  They said they wanted to take her in pretty quick because of the brain thing..."  Amy trails off, her voice catching.  "They only told us anything because of Boyle, he said he was family.  His dad and Gina's mom are on some tasting tour in Europe, it's their anniversary, he's been on the phone with the airline, trying to get them a flight back..."

"Gina's...she's having brain surgery?"  Jake asks in a tiny voice.

Amy's eyes fill up and she nods.  "They just took her in, it could be awhile, we should...we should sit."  Gently, she tugs Jake's arm and the two of them sink into the cushioned waiting room chairs.

Rosa doesn't sit.  She narrows her gaze onto Amy and asks impatiently, "What else did they say?  I mean....what's the, the prognosis, her chances,  _what_?"  The words feel forced and clumsy, like she can't find a good way to say  _is she going to die_.  She wants Amy to have asked the question even though she herself can't seem to.  

"They didn't say anything like that, Rosa." 

"But how did they _sound_?,"  she pushes, too loud and too harsh.  "Was it like,  _this is something we can fix_ or just, I don't know,  _it's a long shot but we're legally obligated to try_."  

"I'm not sure how to - "

"You _know_ what I'm asking, Amy, just answer the question.  She got hit by a goddamn bus, you don't have to try to cushion the blow, we know how bad this is." 

" _Rosa_."  It's half plea, half admonishment, and Amy nods pointedly at Jake, who's got his fingers splayed awkwardly over his eyes as he starts to cry, his shoulders jerking with a smothered sob.  Boyle's walking toward them, his face falling in concern as he sits down on Jake's other side.  

Instead of sympathy, Rosa's so bowled over by sharp, stinging resentment that she can't see straight.  Jake's known Gina forever, and Boyle's her borderline incestuous step-brother, but Rosa's just standing here with Holt and Terry and no claim to lay to Gina, nothing that's just _hers_ , and it doesn't feel fair.  

"Don't  _shush_ me, Santiago," she snarls, even though Amy didn't.  She feels crazy, and unstable, her voice pulsing with the need for a fight.  "He's not the only one who's upset here, and some of us want to know exactly what's happening, we _all_ care about her - "

"Of course we do," Holt interrupts in his steady, calming voice.  He places one hand on her shoulder.  "Detective Diaz, why don't you and Sergeant Jeffords sit down while I find out if there's anything else we should know?"  

Rosa doesn't want to sit;  it will feel like she's acquiescing to this situation.  Right now it's so awful she's having trouble believing in it.   But the Captain's hand on her shoulder has alerted her to how hard she's shaking, so she allows herself to be nudged into a chair beside Terry, in the row across from Amy, Jake, and Charles.  

She closes her eyes, carefully measuring her breathing, trying to get okay.  

She starts picking through what Amy said, her brain snagging on all the bleeding.   _Brain bleed, internal bleeding, lost a lot of blood_.  Her stomach folds in on itself as Rosa thinks, stupidly, of all the blood drives she's skipped over the years.  

Right now, she'd let them stick needles in every one of her veins if it meant she could do something to help Gina.

Captain Holt rejoins them without much new information.  He sits down beside Rosa and gets out his phone.  She glances at it, sees him composing a text to Kevin.  Terry and Boyle walk away to phone Sharon and Genevieve.  Across from her, Amy and Jake are holding hands, leaning into each other with obvious exhaustion.  

Absurdly, she misses Gina.  Just  _misses_ her, for a few fleeting seconds where the whole problem simplifies to her absence, rather than the fact that she might be dying somewhere in this building.  On autopilot, Rosa takes out her cell phone, like her hands still think they can just shoot Gina a text, and instead she's astounded to see how little time has passed since they got here.  

"Jesus Christ..."  She mutters without meaning to, resting her elbows on her knees and dropping her head into her hands, suddenly having to work hard to drag breath in and out of her body. 

"Rosa?"  Amy's voice is tentative, like she's a little bit afraid of her.  "You okay?" 

She shakes her head, closing her eyes so tightly it feels like they might bruise.  She can't think of anything to say that doesn't sound childish:  _I don't want to do this, I don't want to be here, I don't know what to do._

Amy's raises her voice, shot through with concern.  "Can we do anything?  D'you, um...do you want us to call Adrian?"

" _No_." 

Rosa frowns.  She'd jerked her head up and bit out of the refusal on instinct, and it takes a few seconds to shake off her own surprise and realize she wasn't the only one who said it.

She looks at Jake, who's staring at her, just as startled.  Her face hardens.  "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" 

"Uh....I was just saying what you said."  

"We said it at the same time, dumbass." She folds her arms, arches an eyebrow, feeling comforted by how easy it is to slip into righteous indignation.  "Why can't I call my boyfriend?" 

"You can!"  Jake insists, his eyes big and a little wild.  "You absolutely can.  I just meant... _Amy_ shouldn't.  Because...I was...jealous?"

Amy swings around to look at him, baffled.  " _What_?"   

"No, that's not..."  Jake points an accusing finger at Rosa.  "Why don't  _you_ want your boyfriend to come?  Is the real question we should be questioning." 

"He's out of town, don't want him rushing back," Rosa lies in a perfectly steady monotone.  "Now you go." 

"I just...don't think he'd be....good in a crisis?"  Jake clearly pulls this excuse out of his ass, but it's not like Rosa can refute it.

She lets out a skeptical _humph_ and leans back in her chair, feeling a little steadier.  She doesn't bother examining her own distaste at the idea of Adrian being a part of this.  And at the moment, she doesn't actually give a shit why Jake doesn't want him to, either.

 

* * *

 

The next few hours are excruciating.  Boyle orders delivery, and they pick at their food in silence for awhile until Terry says, "My God, can somebody say something?"  

Jake and Amy exchange a look, at a loss.  Charles lets out a heavy sigh. "What are we supposed to say?"

"I believe it can be cathartic in times such as these to share positive, affectionate memories," Holt says.  "In this case, of course, we would be swapping Gina centric anecdotes."  

Rosa's chest constricts, her mind suddenly flooding with memories: the Beyonce concert, the Christmas Eve they spent together after the hostage situation, that night a few weeks ago they made the stupid bet on a pool game - Rosa still owes Gina a choreographed dance to  _No Scrubs_ , just because it was the song playing at the bar when Gina won the game.

She doesn't want to share them, though.  She'd never be able to explain the feeling of those moments, make them sound like _enough_.    

While she sifts through these memories, though, everyone else is looking at Jake, aware he has the most stories, and the oldest.  He clears his throat, shifting uncomfortably under the sudden pressure, and his voice is stilted and hoarse when he starts talking, "Okay, so...there was this one dance in seventh grade.  It was really weird starting junior high, cause, like...Gina and me, we were best friends through elementary school.  We went to my Nana's every day after school, but we were also usually in the same class and we hung out all day, too.  Partnering on everything, that kinda deal.  But then you get to junior high and I guess it was more like...groups of girls that were friends and groups of guys that were friends, y'know?  Anytime you mention hanging out with a specific girl everyone assumes you have a crush on her.  And we didn't have but a few classes together anyway, so we weren't hanging out as much at school.  Plus it was the first year our moms would let us stay home by ourselves until they got back from work.  We still walked home together, and sometimes we'd even go by Nana's for awhile, but it wasn't nearly as much as before.

"So there are these separate friend groups for the guys and girls, but our groups were still like...associated with each other?  Like Gina's friend group mainly had crushes on guys in my friend group.  And vice versa, I'm not saying girls are the only ones who get crushes.   So Gina and I would pass notes during class changes a lot of days, and a lot of it was just gossip, like we were secret agents for each other - I said that once, and she said it was nerdy, but it was totally accurate.  Anyway, one time this kid Ben started talking about how hot Gina was, and always asking me what her _deal_ was.  He just assumed we were related.  Which may have been vaguely anti-Semitic?"  

"Or it's because she called your grandmother Nana and you guys visited her together," Rosa puts in, engaged in the story in spite of herself.

"Huh."  Jake pauses, considering this.  "Might be.  But anyway.  I told Gina about Ben liking her, and she was usually so above the guys in our grade.  She'd turned down a lot of them.  But she actually got kind of girly and excited about Ben thinking she was hot, and wanted me to find out more.  She wanted him as her date to this stupid Spring Fling dance that was coming up.  So I kinda put the idea in his head, and he asked her to go with him.  Which was a stupid way to put it:  no one _went_ with each other.  Well, technically, Gina went with  _me_ , because her mom dropped us both off together, but you know what I mean.   

"It just meant Gina and Ben danced the slow dances together, and when the guys finally starting mingling with girls on the dance floor, he stood closest to her while she danced to the fast songs - and if you're wondering, yeah, she already danced the same way she does now."  This provokes a round of affectionate chuckles.

"There was always drama at school dances, and at some point the girls had disappeared, probably to comfort someone who was crying in the bathroom - which is a thing that also always happened - and we heard that David Neisler had broken up with Meredith Tate.  David was the coolest guy in eighth grade, so kind of the older equivalent of Ben, but Meredith was in our grade.  She was like, head cheerleader, future homecoming queen.  As soon as we found out she was single, Ben got all excited.  He  _called dibs_ and said he was gonna ask her for the next slow dance and 'put the moves on her', whatever that meant when we were thirteen.

"All the other guys were just bro-ing out, jealous but pretending to encourage him.  So I speak up and was like 'um, aren't you here with Gina though?'  And he kind of laughed and said 'that was before I knew Meredith was available.'"  

"Prick," Rosa mutters feelingly.  

Jake catches her eye and nods.  "Right?  I kept pushing it, like: 'that's kind of a dick move when you're already  _at a dance_ with her.'  And then finally Ben said, ahhh..."  Jake stumbles, his face reddening slightly.  "He said something gross and objectifying that I shouldn't repeat, about Gina and Meredith and the relative size of things, and so, um, I punched him."  Everyone reacts gleefully to this.  "Then I immediately started jumping around saying my hand hurt, but I still punched him pretty good.  Like, his nose was bleeding and everything.

"Gina and a couple of the other girls had been walking over right before, and she saw but she didn't hear what happened.  For some reason, my first thought was that she'd be mad at me.  It's not like Ben was going to admit what he said, and he was...we were kinda friends, yeah, but he was way cooler than me.  And so was Gina, which should surprise no one.  But, um...she didn't even ask why I did it.  She just walked up, cool as hell, and threw punch in his face.  Oh, not _a_ punch, but like...Hawaiian punch.  Or Kool Aid.  I don't remember.  She threw her drink."  Again, the others laugh; there's a palpable relief pulsing between them, everyone glad to get thoroughly caught up in a story that feels far away from this hospital room. 

"So he's dripping blood and Kool-Aid, or whatever it was, so surprised by that part that he couldn't get it together to hit me back.  It was crazy.  And then teachers came over and figured out what happened, and I got kicked out of the dance.  Gina just followed me to the front office to wait for my mom - she just kept telling the chaperones she was supposed to go home with me, which was true.  My mom showed up, all pissed, and told Gina she would come back for her, that she shouldn't have to leave because of me, but Gina said she wanted to.

"On the way home, Mom kept trying to get me to say why I hit a kid, but I didn't want to repeat what Ben said in front of Gina.  So she just launched into this whole dramatic speech about how I was defending her honor and that standing up for her is the most noble cause a boy could undertake.  She literally had no idea what happened, but she said all that.  Like she just knew I'd only do it if he deserved it, and if it was because of her.  After we dropped her off, I told Mom everything and I didn't get in trouble.  And I don't know why, but after that Gina and I kind of stopped acting like we weren't close friends at school.  It was, um..."  Jake's voice falters, and when he starts again, it's gone soft and scratchy.  "It was good, cause Gina got a lot of chances to stick up for me or make me feel better when some girl didn't like me back, and that was pretty much the only time back then that I really got to do it for her."  

Everyone's quiet, the collective mood shifting back against frightened, lurking grief.  

Jake rubs his eyes.  "Sorry, that's just...what I was thinking about."  He pauses, then forces a smile.  "Gina wouldn't like that I told it, maybe, because it's one of like, two times she's ever been rejected."  

"What was the other time?"  Terry asks, almost overeager, like he wants to keep the escapism of the storytelling going.  

"Oh, uh..."  Rosa's watching Jake, also curious about the answer, and his eyes graze hers before he stares down at the floor.  "Just your average breakup.  Not a good story."  

There's a long silence, settling thick like a rolling fog, threatening to engulf them all, until Captain Holt clears his throat and very formally begins a story from his and Gina's time in the PR dept.  

Everyone leans forward, visibly relieved to have something else to focus on, but Rosa finds herself deliberately tuning Holt out.  It's stupid.  She likes knowing the stories, will store any piece of Gina's life she's given, but in an odd, petty way, she is irritated by the telling.  

She's jealous of their presence in the stories.  

She's jealous, too, of their ability to tell them: Rosa's pretty sure if she had to even say Gina's name right now, it would feel like reaching down to her guts and pulling them up the roughened pavement of her throat.  

 

* * *

 

It gets quiet again, in the forty-five minutes or so before the surgeon comes.  She gives the group a somewhat wary look.  "Any of you family?"  

"Yes."  Both Jake and Boyle stand up, speak at the same time, then look at each other.  Charles grins broadly, putting an arm around Jake.  "We're brothers."

"We're all her family, Dr...Ma'am,"  Jake clarifies.  

"It's Dr. Samson.  I'm the neurosurgeon on Ms.Linetti's case"  

"Detective Peralta, pleasure to make your acquaintance,"  Jake's face is swarmed with nerves as he shakes the doctor's hand.  "Have you met everyone?  Should we do intros?  Go around the circ - "  

"Is she alive?"  Rosa blurts out, swiftly cutting him off.  She can feel her heart beating in her whole body.

Dr. Samson looks directly at her.  "Yes, she's alive."  The group exhales audibly, and Rosa feels the warm threat of tears flicker across the back of her throat, but the doctor doesn't let the relief hover.  "But she has a severe TBI, among other injuries.  The surgery was a success, and we've done as much as we can for now, but we can't know the extent of the damage yet.  We lost her for a few minutes, and - "

"Lost her?"  Boyle interrupts in a pitchy voice.  "Like, she was in the wrong O.R. or something?" 

Samson gives him an apologetic look.  "No, she flatlined in surgery.  We were able to get her heart started again - " Someone makes a stuck, whimpering sound, and only when Terry and Amy turn to look at Rosa does she realize it was her. " - and greatly relieved the swelling on her brain, but right now we have to wait for her to wake up before we can assess if there was any long term damage."  

"So she will wake up, then?"  Amy asks.

"There are no guarantees," the surgeon answers in that grave, sympathetic voice all actors use on medical dramas.  "And after this extent of injury, it isn't uncommon for it to take days, even a week or two before we know anything.  Now, we also did spinal fusion to repair a fracture, so she's in a medical halo for stabilization.  Our orthopedic surgeon did an external fixation on her pelvis, and there may be need for a follow up surgery..."  

Boyle is frantically taking notes on his phone to relay to his dad and stepmother, and Jake looks like he's about to throw up, but they all stay in the clump listening to the doctor.  Rosa's the only one to pace away, physically distancing herself from what's being said.  

Foolishly, she thought this would be it.  If they made it through the waiting, they would have an answer, and Gina would either be gone or she would be okay.

Instead, the worst didn't happen in surgery, but no one is saying it's no longer a possibility.  Rosa's hands curl spasmodically into fists, desperate to destroy something.  

She sees Jake glancing over at her, but she avoids his eyes, instead watching the surgeon.  A sudden urgency seizes her, and Rosa strides back to the group, not registering whether anyone is still talking before she asks,  "Can I see her?"  

Charles is the only one in her eyeline, and he looks a little taken aback at the singularity of her demand, but Dr. Samson just nods crisply.  "Yes, you can all see her, but it might be a bit cramped for the full group."  

The others start a negotiation.  Terry and Holt decide to head home, given the long haul they're in for, and Charles says he needs to call Gina's mom, so Rosa ends up impatiently leading Jake and Amy to Gina's room.  Tunnel visioned need drives her momentum to get there, but she pulls up short as soon as her eyes land on Gina, the choke of dread grabbing her too late.

Gina looks so fucking... _lifeless_.  She's small in the hospital bed, dwarfed by the halo of glinting metal and a labyrinth of wires connecting her to monitors around the edges.  There are angry red skid marks on one side of her face, obviously where she hit the pavement.  It's no worse than a child's bike injury, but it screams the stark reality of what happened to her more than anything else.

Rosa's heart feels like it's trying to claw its way out of her body, trying to get to Gina. For some reason she can't get her legs to move and take it there.   

She's forgotten Jake and Amy are with her until she hears Jake.  " _Oh_ , God.  Oh, no.  Amy?  Amy, I don't like this.  I really don't."  

"Jake, hey, it's okay, listen..."  Amy's reading off her phone.  "There are a ton of firsthand accounts saying that people in comas can hear what you're saying.  It's good to talk to her.  We should be positive, okay?"  

Jake very tentatively approaches the bed, his voice high and strained.  "Heeeey, Gina.... _girl_."  

Amy drags two chairs over along the bedside, sitting in one of herself and taking her boyfriend's hand.  Sounding perfectly composed, she demonstrates, "Hey Gina, it's really good to finally see you.  We've all been waiting for hours.  Everyone's been here, me and Jake and Rosa and Charles and the Captain and Sarge...Hitchcock and Scully even came for awhile, they left for dinner, but they keep texting..."  She glances back at Rosa, indicating another chair.  "Rosa, you wanna come say hi?"  

Rosa can't bring herself to move.  She feels, suddenly, the crushing horror of this.  For the next few days,  _at least_ , this is most likely the best they can hope for.  They will have to see Gina lying here, unconscious, _gone_ , as a good thing, because at least she's alive. 

They will tell stories like they already need help remembering her.  They will talk to her and pretend it doesn't cut fresh every time she doesn't answer.  They will watch her breathing and her heartbeat and they will flinch at any alteration, edgy and paranoid like death is a stalker, its potential arrival always looming.

Rosa starts shaking her head and doesn't stop.  "No.  No, no way."  Her voice sharpens, definitive.  "I'm not doing this."  

Then she's gone.   

 

* * *

 

Rosa goes home and drinks from the best whiskey she has in the house and then she puts her phone on Do Not Disturb so no middle of the night apocalypse at the hospital will wake her up, and she lets the alcohol shove her none too gently into sleep.

 

* * *

 

Jake and Charles aren't at the precinct the next day.  There are members of the weekend squad taking their shifts, and Amy comes up to Rosa and tells her they're taking the day off since Gina's mom and Boyle's dad's flight gets in this morning.  

"Great," Rosa says tersely, cutting her eyes at Amy and the clipboard she's been trotting around to everyone else.  "What do you want?"  

"I was, um...."  Amy pauses, taking in Rosa's countenance: hungover and knotted up with fury.  She takes a seemingly unconscious step back.  "I thought maybe we could sign up for different times for visiting the hospital, so there's always someone stopping by during all the visiting periods and we can stay updated - " 

"Pass," Ross interjects brusquely.  "If I want to see her, I'll see her."  

"O-okay.  Sure.  Of course," Amy stammers, immediately turning on her heel and leaving.  

Rosa tightens her jaw, breathing through her teeth.  Her body feels like a trigger about to be pulled.  It won't take much for her to go off.

Not two minutes after she walked away, Amy strides purposefully back to Rosa's desk, her face set with deliberate determination.  "Actually, can I talk to you for a minute?  In private?"  Wisely, Amy doesn't wait for an answer, just walks toward the break room hoping Rosa follows.  

Rosa does.  She leans against the door after she closes it and folds her arms, staring impassively at Amy.  

Amy exhales ostentatiously before starting.  "I wanted to say I'm sorry if I was being... _dismissive_ of you yesterday.  You know, I saw it happen and it was so - "  She visibly shudders.  " - _so_ bad, Rosa, I think I just kind of...shut down, went into crisis mode, and once I saw Jake he seemed so upset that it was easiest just to focus on him, but I, I know this must be really hard and...confusing for you, too."  

There's something pointed about that last sentence, and Amy's looking at Rosa like she should be reading something beneath the actual words.

"What're you talking about?  Why am I confused?"  

"I..."  Amy sighs, flinching slightly.  "Okay.  Here's the thing.  I know about you and Gina."

Rosa's face is blank.  "What about us?"  

"That you used to be, y'know...together." 

Rosa barks out a harsh, humorless laugh.  Before she can stop it, the phrase  _I wish_ drifts through her mind.  "That's crazy." 

"Rosa, I saw you," Amy says, quiet now.  "It was like six years ago - "

" _What_?" 

"I wasn't trying to snoop, I swear.  I went downstairs to use the private bathroom, the one in the subbasement - "

"You know about Babylon?"

"What?" 

"Nothing."  Rosa flicks that bit of information away refocusing on whatever insanity Amy's spouting.  

"Anyway, I went down there, and you two were...making out outside the door.  Um.  Pretty intensely.  I left right away, obviously, and I never said anything to anyone, but I'm sorry if I wasn't supposed to - "

"Are you fucking with me?"  The generic, undirected rage that's been swimming around in her since yesterday is coalescing into a hard knot of specifically directed fury.  " _Now_?"  

Amy's eyes widen.  "I...I'm really not.  It's _okay_ , Rosa, I won't tell anyone, I just wanted to tell you I understand this is - "

"You're crazy," Rosa snaps.  "I've never kissed Gina - "  Abruptly, her voice snags on Gina's name, the finality of  _never_ slamming into her a few seconds late.  Never kissed her, not once, might never get the chance now....

Amy looks uncertain.  Finally, she just nods, placating.  "Okay.  My mistake." 

But Amy clearly doesn't believe that, and Rosa can't think of a single good reason why she'd lie about something like this.

Gina must've actually known about Babylon years before Rosa told her - who knew why she'd pretended not to, Gina's weird, why does she do anything - and used it for workday trysts.  That checks out, sure, that's something she'd do, and Amy saw her there with a woman who looked like Rosa at a glance, that's the only explanation.  

"Amy.  I barely even  _knew_ Gina six years ago."  

Amy's face twists in confusion.  "What?"  

"Yeah," she reiterates forcefully.  She has a weirdly specific memory of the first time Gina really spoke to her - sitting beside Rosa during a briefing, making some nonsensical comment about her motorcycle - and how after that, it felt like a switch flipped, and Gina turned into someone she couldn't stop noticing.  Before that though -- "Until maybe a year before Holt came, I don't even remember meeting her."  

Amy looks utterly perplexed, and maybe a little bit concerned.  "Rosa...."  She pulls up her phone and messing around on the screen.  "I was looking at these last night...look."  She hands the phone to Rosa, pulled up to a Facebook album of photos, the squad at Shaw's for some sort of party.  "That was when I made detective, remember?  We went to celebrate...this was over seven years ago.  Gina hadn't even been working here very long."  

Rosa stares down at the photos.  She's never far from Gina in any of them:  a few posed shots, mostly candids of the whole group.  She can even pick her and Gina out in the background of a Jake and Amy selfie, sitting together at a table.  

Then Rosa comes to a photo of the two of them, one they obviously didn't know was being taken, and her chest feels like it's splitting open. Gina's saying something through a big, self-satisfied smirk, and Rosa is laughing with her mouth open, her head tipped back.  

She looks happier than Rosa can ever actually remember being.  

She shakes her hand, tosses the phone back to Amy unannounced.  She is hungover, and worn out from how much energy it is taking just the hold herself together.  She has the timeline wrong, or Amy does, and neither of them should be worrying about this bullshit anyway.  

Rosa meets Amy's eyes.  "If I had ever been with Gina..."  Her voice thickens, the threat of tears creeping up the column of her throat.  She still hasn't cried and she doesn't plan to now.  She grits her teeth.  "I would  _remember._   You're wrong."   

"Okay," Amy agrees in a soft voice, barely a second before Rosa slams the break room door behind her.

 

* * *

 

Amy goes by the hospital around lunchtime with big bags of takeout for everyone present.  She finds Boyle and Jake talking quietly in the hallway outside Gina's room.

"Hey, babe,"  Her hands are full, so she settles for giving Jake a quick kiss in greeting, but God, she wants to hug him.  She's wanted to hug him every second since he got to the hospital yesterday with a frightened little boy moved in behind his eyes. 

She half smiles at Charles.  "I brought food.  For everybody."  

"Thanks, Amy.   That's nice of you."  

She doesn't ask if there's any change.  They've learned so much so fast, the way the negative answers pile up, exacerbating the hopelessness.  If there's good news, no one will need to be asked.  

Charles glances back and forth between them, then takes the bags from Amy.  "I'll take this to them.  Save you some, Jake."  

"Thanks." Jake sounds tired.  They hadn't slept much last night, but it's more than that.  He sounds the kind of exhausted that reaches down to the soul. 

Amy rubs his back.  "Your mom still here?"  

"Yeah, she's in there with Darlene and Lynn."

"You hungry?"

"Nah."

"Wanna take a walk?  Get coffee or something?"  

He smiles at her, small but real, and takes her hand.  "Yeah, if you want.  I'm just glad to see you."  

Amy's throat tightens and and she squeezes his fingers.  

They go downstairs to the Starbucks in the hospital lobby.  If you pick the right table, you can only see coffee shop interior, pretend you're not in a hospital.    

They sit with their lattes, and Jake tells her, "Holt came by this morning, talked to Gina's mom."

"He told me.  That's good of him."  

Jake gives her a faint grin.  "He says you made a schedule."  

"I did.  It was very comforting to do some color coding."  

"Santiago style."  He takes a sip of drink, his smile fading too fast, like he doesn't have the strength to sustain it.  "So, how's work?"  

Amy's sure he wants something distracting, but she can't manage to feign interest in the paperwork she's been doing all morning.  Instead, she says, "I'm worried about Rosa."  

Jake grimaces, his eyes darting away.  "Yeah.  She seems really upset."

"With good reason, obviously.  But it's more than that.  She's like..."  Amy stops talking abruptly, cutting herself off.  "Never mind." 

Jake's eyebrows furrow together, and he meets her eyes again.  "What?" 

"No, it's...it's hard to explain without telling you...something I'm not supposed to know.  And  _please_ don't ask me, because it's not my secret to tell."  

Jake's looking at her with a startled expression, some of the life breathed back into his eyes.  "A secret about Rosa.......and Gina?" 

Amy goes still.  "Do you know something?"  

"Do  _you_ know something?"  

"You tell me yours." 

"Oh, no, I really can't.  Unless you know it." 

"Well I can't tell you mine unless _you_ know it."  

They stare at each other, hunting for a solution.  Suddenly, Jake's face lights up.  "I got it!   We know _who_ it's about, right?  So we each write down what the secret is, no names, and give it to someone who can tell us if they're the same."  

Amy thinks about this.  "We'd have to find someone who wouldn't try to push us to say who we're talking about."  

"So someone who isn't interested in gossip?" 

They look at each other, thinking the same thing.  

"We'd have to go back to the precinct."  

"Fine with me, I need a break from here, anyway."  

 

* * *

 

Forty-five minutes later, they're standing in front of Captain Holt's desk, having just explained their plan.  

After a long moment of contemplation, he says, "I see the logic of your suggestion.  I agree to participate."  

"Great!"  Jake grabs two Post-Its and pens off Holt's desk, hands one set to Amy, then hunches, cupping one hand around the paper like he's shielding test answers.  

They both hand their Post-Its to Holt.  Five seconds later, he says, "Good God.  Rosa and Gina had a secret relationship?"  

Amy and Jake whip around to look at each other, accusatory.  

"You weren't supposed to write names!"  

"I  _didn't_."  

"Neither of you did," Holt clarifies.  "I knew Gina had to one of the parties involved, otherwise you wouldn't be concerning yourself with such trivial matters given her current state.  Terry has been happily married the entire time Gina's worked here.  We already know she had a past tryst with Charles, so that isn't a secret.  Gina would never sleep with Scully or Hitchcock, and the two of you are obviously eliminated from consideration.  Hence: Detective Diaz."  

Jake blinks at him.  "Wow, you're _so_ good."  

"Very impressive, sir."  

"And of course, you can count on my discretion," Holt assures them.  "I abhor workplace gossip."  

 

* * *

 

"So how did  _you_ know?"  Jake asks her when they're in Amy's car so she can drive him back to the hospital.  

"I saw them kissing in the subbasement bathroom, like six years ago." 

"Wait,  _our_ secret bathroom?"  He frowns.  "Wait, you knew about it that long ago and didn't tell anyone?" 

"It was my secret place!"  Amy rolls her eyes.  "Or I thought it was until I saw them.  How did  _you_ know?"  

"I found Rosa's T-shirt at Gina's place.  But I'd been suspicious for awhile - they actually hooked up after me and Rosa's academy graduation."  

" _What_?"  

"Yeah, like they went home from the afterparty together.  It was  _not_ subtle.  So when Gina started working with us, I got suspicious pretty fast.  But she didn't admit it until I found the shirt."  

"Is this why you didn't want me to call Adrian for Rosa yesterday?" 

"Yeah.  It's dumb, but I figured the least I could do for Gina is not invite her ex's boyfriend to her hospital bedside."  

"Fair."  Amy shakes her head, disbelieving.  "Wow.  This is crazy.  So Gina knew you knew?"  

"Yeah."  Suddenly, Jake's eyes go wide.  "Wait.  No one knew you knew?"

"No." 

"So they wouldn't have given your name....oh  _no_."  Amy glances away from the road to look at him, taken aback by the panic shot through his voice.  "Ames, did you mention this to Rosa?"

"Yes.  That's what I wanted to tell you actually - "

"Oh, no."  

" - she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about.  She said she didn't even  _talk_ to Gina then, even when I showed her photos from that party at Shaw's after I made detective - "

"Oh  _nooooo_." 

" _What_ , Jake?"  Amy finally snaps impatiently.  "What are you freaking out about?"  

He sighs.  "So I have another secret I should probably tell you.  And this one's....super weird.  Also sad.  But _super_ weird."

 

* * *

 

Late that night, Rosa finally goes back to the hospital.  It's long past visiting hours, and she's counting on no one else being there.  The woman on duty at the wing's front desk tries to stop her, but Rosa's learned the badge is especially powerful in hospitals.  She flashes it, vaguely implying she has important business with one of the patients, and they wave her through without explanation.  

She takes a second to prepare herself for the sight of Gina - which basically involves tensing every part of her body, holding herself in careful, tight control - before pushing the door, but the first thing Rosa registers is Darlene Linetti, sitting in a hair by Gina's bedside.  There's a blanket and neck pillow stacked at the foot of the bed, and the older woman is wearing pajama pants, obviously in for the night.

Gina's mom looks up, and immediately says, "Rosa."  

Rosa's a little startled at the quick recognition, even in the dim light of the hospital room.  They'd only been briefly introduced at the wedding.

"Ma'am."  She nods, suddenly feeling awkward.

"Surprised they let you back here," Darlene says, not unkindly.  "They finally kicked Lynn out an hour ago.  Figured out it wasn't smart to argue with _me_ , though."  

"I, um.  I used the badge."

Darlene offers her a ghost of a smile.  "Good girl."  She stands up.  "Good timing, actually.  I need to speak to the nurse about getting another pillow....will you keep her company?"  

"Sure," Rosa answers automatically, but her legs buckle as soon as she turns her full focus to Gina.  

" _Get it together_ ," she mutters to herself when Darlene leaves.  She'd lasted all of thirty seconds the last time she was here.  Pathetic fucking coward.  

Gingerly, Rosa approaches the bed and drags one of the free chairs to its edge.  It's better up close: she can find  _Gina_ under the metal and wires.  Rosa swallows, glances at the door, and then she picks up Gina's hand with delicate care, slowly fitting their fingers together like they might shatter against each other if she does it wrong.  

She thinks of what Amy said yesterday, about talking to comatose patients, and what Amy said this afternoon, what Amy had mistakenly thought about them.

"I wish it was true, Gina," Rosa says, the words already full of cracks, saltwater flooding through them.  She blinks, feels it coast down the curve of her cheeks.  She fights to keep her voice steady - Gina can hear her, maybe, but she can't see, and Rosa's glad.  "I wish I'd gotten my shit together.  I wish we'd at least  _tried_.  I wish..."  Her voice splinters into a crooked, tear soaked gasp.  She cuts to the chase.  "Wake up.  Wake up and I'll try, okay?  If you want me to.  Sometimes I, I think you do.  I'll...I'll try my best, G, I swear."   

The nickname just slips out, some phantom instinct.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when this was gonna be a two-shot at most? Good times. I'm thinking one more chapter? But I've thought that before. 
> 
> All the comments are so, so appreciated, thanks so much for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Jake and Charles come back to work the next day, slipping neatly into Amy's hospital visitation schedule along with everyone except Rosa.

Jake sits beside her during the morning briefing.  "How you doing?"

"Fine," Rosa replies curtly, like it's just a generic greeting.  "Dunno if you heard, but your girlfriend's delusional, so maybe look into that."  

"Ha.  Right.  I did hear."  He shifts uncomfortably in his seat.  "Guess she had you guys mixed up with somebody else.  Weird."  

Rosa narrows her eyes at Jake.  Because she's a detective, and not a moron, she can tell he doesn't actually believe that.  "What the hell, Jake?  You think I had a secret affair with Gina a million years ago, and when confronted with eyewitness evidence, I'd still just go with denial?   _Really_?" 

"Um.  No."  

"You think I'm lying?" 

"No!"  He shakes his head emphatically, actually looking her in the eye, and this time he seems honest.  "I believe you.  Amy be crazy."  

"Damn right."  

"So.  You wanna go to the hospital with me after work?"

"I'm good, thanks."  Rosa's tone is clipped, firmly ending the discussion.  

The week closes out and Gina doesn't wake up.  Mood at the precinct stays grim, and Rosa takes to working in the break room as much as possible, avoiding her desk and the sight of Gina's empty one.  Sometimes she pulls up that photo album on Amy's Facebook page, staring at the photos and grasping for some thread of memory.  Finally, Rosa decides she and Gina must have been drunk - the kind of hardcore, blackout drunk that can forge an immediate friendship for a single night - and that explanation is good enough to satisfy her.

 

* * *

 

The weekend is terrifying: forty-eight hours of just waiting, where bad news could come for her at any moment.

Rosa's been sticking to seeing Gina deliberately outside of visiting hours, usually at night but a few mornings, too, when she can't stay asleep and ends up driving to the hospital before the sun is up.  

On Saturday, though, she is tempted for the first time to just go and park herself in a bedside chair no matter who else is around.  It feels like maybe things are less likely to go wrong if she's watching, but there's no logic to that, so Rosa talks herself out of the impulse.  Instead, she barely leaves her apartment, and every buzz of a text message sends her heart careening against the wall of her chest.  

 

* * *

 

Monday, Rosa and Jake are sent to the scene of a shooting death - likely a suicide, but they have to rule out foul play.   Walking to the car after getting statements, Jake says, "So we can't do much until the ME gives us a report.  Mind if I stop by the hospital for a minute?" 

"If you want," Rosa agrees, indifferent.  Jake pauses, giving her a slanted look across the top of the car before huffing out a sharp breath and ducking into the driver's side.  

He's been short with her all morning, but Rosa had chalked it up to a combination of the gruesome scene and the mounting anxiety they're all feeling about Gina.  But something about the tense, deliberate silence in the car, the way he never once looks over at her, tips Rosa off that it might be a little bit about her.  

In the hospital visitor's lot, Jake unbuckles his seatbelt and looks expectantly at Rosa.  "You coming?"  

"I'll just wait here."

Jake's eyes snap back to anger, like she's just failed a test.  " _Seriously_ , Rosa?"  

Rosa turns her head, pinning him with a warning glare.  "You don't want to fucking start with me right now, Jake."  

His face tightens, voice coiled around anger.  "Maybe I do.  Maybe I'm getting really pissed off and I need to start with  _someone_."  

She rolls her eyes.  "I can see how I'm easier to yell at than a New York City public bus, but too bad.  Shit sucks right now, but you can't put it on me."  

"How about you not seeing her for a week?  Can I put that on you?"  He shakes his head, seemingly at a loss.  "You don't even  _ask_ about her, Rosa."  

"What am I supposed to ask?!"  Rosa snaps.  "You think no one's going to bother telling me she woke up or died if I don't outright ask them?"  

"Probably not.  But did you know they tried taking her off intubation on Saturday?  But she still can't breathe on her own?"  

Rosa's chest spasms, a rapid staccato of well buried sobs, but she just keeps staring fixedly out the windshield, hoping Jake won't notice the nerve he just pummeled.  

He must, though, because his voice gentles the slightest bit.  "Just come with me, Rosa.  I felt weird at first talking to her, but I'm used to it now."  

"Idiot," she says through her teeth.  "I  _have_  been visiting her."  

"Rosa, come on.  We were there practically all weekend and never saw you.  And Charles told me about last week: you sat in the car when he went to see her on the way back from talking to that restaurant witness guy." 

A low growl is starting to form at the base of Rosa's throat, but it feels fragile, like it could collapse into some worse, broken sound with the slightest provocation.  

"I went after visiting hours.  Every night last week, okay?  A few mornings, too."  Rosa pauses, then remembers, "Ask Gina's mom.  She saw me twice."  

"....oh."  Jake has the grace to look apologetic.  He also seems genuinely surprised.  "Okay.  I'm sorry.  So...good, let's go up now."  

"No." 

Jake groans, frustrated.  "Why not?  What's the difference?"

"Clearly, the difference is that you'd be there."  Rosa closes her eyes, the words wrenching themselves out of her without consent.  "And it's  _embarrassing_ , alright?"

She exhales shakily, hot tears stealing into the corners of her eyes, she hates them so much, she needs Jake to leave, this is exactly what she's been trying to avoid.  It's been almost a week, but sitting in that hospital room with Gina still makes Rosa feel like she's being ripped raw.  No one else gets to see that.  

"Rosa - "

"Will you please just go, Jake?"  She's nearly begging now, her arms crossed over her chest, shrinking against the door of the car.

It must get through to Jake, because he immediately agrees, getting out without further argument, just a murmured assurance that he won't be long.

As soon as the door closes behind him, Rosa tips her head back against the headrest, letting a few tears spill over and streak down her temples into her hair.  There is a grim relief to it, but even so Rosa rolls her eyes at herself.

Fifteen minutes later, Jake comes back, and he's awkward with her.  "Hey, ah, there's a bunch of family up there now but I, um.  I told Gina you'd probably be up to see her later."  

Rosa doesn't trust herself to speak, so she just offers him a tiny nod, either in thanks or confirmation, she's not even sure.  

 

* * *

 

She does go back, a few hours after her shift.  The nurses are all onto her now, and it's not the badge so much as steely intimidation that's getting her in beyond regular visiting hours.  

(Rosa hopes it's intimidation, at least.  There's one nurse who looks at her all soft eyed and half smiled, suggesting her acquiescence is born more out of pity.)  

They never let her stay long.  Rosa hates the actual leaving, can't escape the dread that grips her every time, but she's also not good at filling the time.  A few visits she's tried having normal conversations, to think of the sort of snarky observations she'd usually text Gina throughout work days, but she always comes up short. There's not enough room in her brain for things like that - it's too full of fear and anger and Gina and Gina and _Gina_.  

The best Rosa can do is recite details of cases she is managing to work, but after a few minutes of that she imagines Gina mocking her for being boring.  

So she spends her visits mostly in silence, punctuated with the occasional order -  _This is getting old, Gina, you gotta wake before you start losing your stupid Twitter followers, no one's gonna maintain that shit for you if you aren't here_ \- or promise -  _You wake up now I'll finally show you some old recital videos.  I'll even find one with a fucking tutu, okay?  We'll watch at my place and maybe I'll kiss you after. -_ like if she can only find the perfect threat or enticement Gina will be okay. 

It's nearly eleven when she gets home.  Rosa's tired, her head feels fogged, and the sight of Adrian sitting in the hall outside her apartment is entirely unwelcome.  

He's actually  _asleep_ , and for a cold, mean moment Rosa's gripped by the temptation to leave him there.  But he hasn't done anything wrong, and it's completely twisted that the sight of her own boyfriend makes Rosa feel like she's breaking loyalty to someone who isn't even conscious.  Who isn't even  _hers._

"Hey."  She lightly kicks the bottom of Adrian's shoe and his eyes fly open, instantly alert.  He claims this is something he's trained himself in - instant sleep and instant waking, no matter the conditions.  

He grins up at her, getting to his feet and shaking out the stiffness of his limbs.  "Hey!  Was starting to wonder if you were home and not answering.  Thought maybe it was some game we're playing.  Which I'd be into." 

"You'd be into me leaving you in the hallway?"

"Oh, yeah.  Build anticipation. Really make me want it."  

He follows her inside and Rosa avoids his eyes.  "You could've just called."  

It comes out accusatory, even though she's the one who set this precedent:  they don't call, don't make plans.  They sustain themselves on the element of surprise.  

Adrian's already taking his shirt off.  "Let's get to it.  Did you eat?  If not we can do it during."  

Rosa backs away from him, unwarranted resentment coursing through her.  This is how things are with them, now: they reunite after unnecessary absences and get right to the sex.  Really good, adventurous sex, for the record.  

But everything is so, so different since the last time Rosa saw him.  Life has shattered into a mess of glass shards glittering across New York City pavement, and Adrian doesn't even know it.  

"I'm not really in the mood," Rosa tells him flatly.  "I just got back from the hospital."  

"Oh, shit."  His eyes widen.  "Who's hurt?  Peralta?  Santiago?  How bad is it?  Disembowelment?  Better or worse than disembowelment?"  

" _Jesus_."  Rosa's head is pounding.  She's not in the mood for this brand of Pimento intensity.  "It's Gina.  She got hit by a bus."  

"What?!"  He sounds completely confounded that anyone could sustain injury outside of police business.  "Well.  Shit.  How is she?"

"It was a fucking week ago." Rosa says it like he should have known that.  "And she hasn't woken up from brain surgery yet." 

"Fuck.  Linetti, man..."  He shakes his head a little.  "A week ago?"  Then he looks at her, expression a mix of confusion and sympathy, before effectively puncturing her indignant act with,  "You could've called me."

Rosa flinches.  "Yeah, well."  She looks away, quiet for a moment before bluntly adding, "Gina doesn't like you much, anyway."  

Adrian laughs, the sound inappropriately cheerful.  "Got me there."  

Rosa goes to the fridge and pulls out a beer.  There are only a couple left, she'll have to replenish her alcohol supply soon.  When she turns around, Adrian's leaning on the kitchen island across from her.  Sincere, he asked, "You okay?"  

"Fine," she answers, the word like a reflex.  Like there's no other possible answer for that question.       

"Sure?"  He's scrutinizing her with uncharacteristic concern, and Rosa isn't sure what he's reading on her face.  Something leftover from the hospital, maybe.  This is usually the part where she comes home and sleeps off the desire to cry.

Before she can answer, Adrian asks, "Hey, can I ask...were you and Linetti ever a thing?"

"What?"  The shock of the question jots up her spine.  Rosa's face warms.  "What the hell,  _no_."  

"Okay," he says, seemingly unbothered either way.  "Just wondering.  I always got a vibe from those photos." 

Rosa stares.  "What photos?"  

"The ones in one of your lady books.  I found them during my first sweep of your place, like a year ago."  He holds up his hands and instantly clarifies, "Not snooping.  Just checkin' for surveillance.  Routine stuff."

Rosa's already in front of her bookshelf, frantically scanning.  "What book?"

"I don't know, something about salad?"  

She grits her teeth and pulls out a Nora Ephron essay book -  _Crazy Salad_ , she hasn't read it in years - and finds the pages of the paperback thick with a stack of photos wedged tightly into the spine's center.

Rosa can't even remember the last time she physically printed out photos, but there at least a dozen there, all of her and Gina.  

There are no time stamps, but they look younger, at least five years or so.  Gina's hair is lighter.  Rosa's is shorter.  In the first one, Gina's wearing one of Rosa's hats and is smirking in amusement at Rosa's grudging selfie face.  They're outside somewhere, Rosa can't place it, can't remember taking this photo or printing this photo or hiding it in a book she hasn't opened in years.

Rosa's blood feels thick and sluggish, like her heart is having to work too hard to pump it.  The second photo: they're on a couch in Gina's old apartment - Gina's taking the picture, a third of her face barely in the frame, and Rosa has on a wolf hoodie that could only be Gina's and she can't remember any of it.

There's one photo where Gina is kissing her on the cheek, and Rosa's lips are pursed tight, holding back a smile that's nearly bursting out of her eyes instead.  

Rosa is pretty sure she would have remembered that.   

Her skin is tingling, like loud, unpleasant static, the photos shaking a little in her hands.  Her organs seems to be contorting, lungs turning into a maze that her breaths have to journey through; they're not making it fast enough, she inhales hard but it doesn't help, it isn't enough, she can't get enough air --

"Hey, whoa, hey, Rosa...I gotcha..."   

Adrian's hands lock around her upper arms, and a few seconds later he's most of what's holding her up.  He doesn't seem to know what to do with her, so he awkwardly eases them down so she's sitting on the living room floor, Adrian on his knees behind her.  

After a second, he crawls around to face her.  He tries to take her hands, but Rosa won't let go of the photos, so instead Adrian wraps his fingers around her wrists and in a firm, experienced voice says, "Just breathe in and out, slow and steady.  Inhale.  Exhale.  You are here in your own home, you are safe, and they _cannot get you_." 

"I think I'm going crazy," she rasps out.

"Yeah?  You want to go see my guy?  Dr. Barnett.  She gets it."

Rosa closes her eyes, shaking her head hard like she can discard this whole thing.  Finally, Rosa blurts out what she's wanted to say since the moment she got home and found him waiting.  "I...I  need you to go.  I can't...I'm sorry I don't have a better way to do this right now, but I, I want you to leave."  

"Hold on."  Adrian slowly lets go of her, leaning back on his heels to narrow a suspicious look at Rosa.  "Do  _what_ right now?  Are you saying leave, like get out and come back, or are you, y'know.  Breaking up with me?"  

"I don't know..."  Rosa feels immediately foolish.  She's spent the last week wishing she'd done something about her feelings for Gina, making plans to follow them as soon as Gina wakes up.  She hasn't let herself think of Adrian, hasn't even considered him as a complication.  

What is she going to do, only stay with him if Gina dies?

Her stomach lurches at the thought, and Rosa clenches out, definitive, "Yes. Sorry."

Surprise registers on Adrian's features, but slowly his eyes track down to the photo in Rosa's hand, and any shock recedes.  "Ah.  Well."  He clears his throat, then nods for a long time.  "Alright then."  

They're still for awhile.  Rosa gradually steadies her breathing by focusing on nothing else.  Adrian watches her for a minute or two before asking, "You good?"  She nods.  "Want me to call somebody?  Santiago or whoever?"  

"No.  Thanks.  I'll be fine."

Adrian pushes himself to his feet.  Before he straightens up, his hand comes to rest on Rosa's shoulder, and he kisses her on her hairline.  "I hope Linetti's okay," he says, sincerely.  "Let me know if you can, yeah?"  

Rosa nods, tight throated.  It is a sweeter, softer moment than maybe any they've had.  

When she hears the door click behind him, a dull relief loosens Rosa's muscles.  Her gaze drifts back to the photos.  It's a strange sensation, like an image manifested from some fantasy Rosa had.  She's envious of the person next to Gina in these photos, and she doesn't understand how it's her.  

Rosa checks the time on her phone, then sends a text to Amy.

 **ROSA**  
**[you and Jake still awake?]**

The reply comes fast.

 **AMY  
** **[Yes what's wrong???]**

Rosa feels a pang of guilt, realizing they must be just as aware, now, that their phones could carry bullets.  A text, a call...it could easily be the thing that delivers the final blow. 

Her fingers still feel shaky, but Rosa composes a text as quickly as she can.

 **ROSA**  
**[No nothing sorry]**  
**[I'm just at home]**  
**[I need to talk to you guys.  Can I come over?]**

This time the response takes a minute.

 **AMY  
** **[Of course.  Now?]**

 **ROSA**  
**[On my way.]**

She leaves her apartment, still holding the photos.  

 

* * *

 

Jake answers the door almost as soon as she knocks.   Amy's hovering behind him in the living room, face etched with worry.

"Are you okay?"  Jake asks by way of greeting, and Rosa's struck by how sick she is of seeing him so serious all the time.  

Rosa ignores the question, pushing her way into the house and holding out the stack of photos.  "I found these in a book at my place.  I have no idea when they were taken, but I don't remember any of them, and I sure as hell don't remember printing out photos and hiding them."  Jake's flipping through the photos, Amy approaching and looking over his shoulder.  They exchange a look, and Rosa adds, an edge to her voice, "Since you guys seem to know something I don't, I figured maybe you could enlighten me on what the hell is going on." 

Neither of her friends seem particularly surprised that Rosa's showed up at their place past midnight with a bunch of photographs she doesn't remember.  They look at each other again, conducting an infuriating, silent conversation before Amy half-smiles at Rosa and says, "I'll let you two talk."  

She touches Jake's arm before retreating to the bedroom.  Rosa has the sense this is something they worked out beforehand, and her whole body is thrumming with anxiety.

Jake lets out a heavy exhale.  "Can we do this over beers?"  

Nerves gnawing at her impatience, Rosa surprises herself by nodding.  She follows Jake into the kitchen, and once they've both opened beers, Jake pulls out his phone, a strange smile on his face.  "I actually kinda know the best way to start this now...here."  

He passes her his phone.  For some reason, Rosa's expecting another photo, but there's an article pulled up on the browser and for a second she just stares at the words without attempting to comprehend that.  

But Jake's just looking at her with a nervous, waiting expression, so Rosa makes an effort to concentrate.  It's about some company, Lacuna, that claims to erase specific people from patients' memories.  There's a big highlighted quote claiming that 85% of their clients seek out the services after break ups.  

Rosa scoffs loudly, but her stomach is folding in on itself, apparenlty ahead of her brain, which is stubbornly refusing to make the connection.  "So this is a hoax.  What does it have to do with - "

"You and Gina were together," Jake says evenly.  "For about a year and a half after she started working here.  You guys kept it a secret, but I found your shirt at Gina's place so she finally told me.  You actually hooked up at the bar after our academy graduation?"  Nervous, he starts talking faster.  "I don't really know know how it works but I guess you don't remember even meeting her then.  But you two left together and you never called her after but once she started working at the precinct I don't think it took very long for you to start up again."

A long silence follows this summation.  Rosa feels like she's stuck in a dream, where absurd things feel logical only in the moment.  Finally, she manages to construct a weak protest, "That's insane." 

"It's not.  You know it's not, Rosa, it's...Amy saw you guys kissing.  You found those photos."  His voice softens.  "And do you really think it makes sense that you just...didn't notice Gina for over a year?"  

"No," she admits in a small voice.  She looks back at Jake's phone, following the article's link to an official Lacuna website.  She is trying to let this sink in, to believe it's real.  She looks back at the photos.  

She looks so happy in them.  So does Gina.   

"Did she end it?"  Rosa asks without thinking.

"No," Jake answers immediately.  He says it like he's surprised she even asked.  "No, you did."  He hesitates, then adds, "She was the first to have the procedure, though."  

For the first time in awhile, Rosa looks up at him.  "Gina doesn't remember, either?"  

"No.  Uh..."  Jake seems suddenly uncertain.  "We aren't really supposed to tell you about this.  It's, like, bad for you or something.  But I don't feel like making up some stupid lie to explain this stuff."  He waves a hand vaguely at the photos.  "I don't even know what that lie would be.  And with everything with Gina...I don't know.  It seems like you should know." 

Rosa feels strangely numb, like she's waiting for the memories to come back, for the feelings to be accessible just because she knows they exist, but it's just....blank.  

But she believes Jake.  Not because of the photos, not because of what Amy saw in Babylon, not because Lacuna sounds remotely real, and not even because Jake would never lie to her about something like this, especially not now.

Rosa believes it because she can't remember a single moment when Gina didn't feel familiar.  

"Tell me," she says to Jake.  "All of it."  

 

* * *

 

They sit in the living room, and Jake explains as much as he can.  He doesn't know details; there are no anecdotes or specific moments, but he knows the general timeline, from the first one night stand hook up to Rosa deciding to get the erasure.  He knows about the secrecy, the ambiguity of labels.  

He doesn't give away much about Gina's side of things, even though she was clearly talking to him when they broke up and when she made the decision to go to Lacuna.  

When he finishes, Rosa's quiet for a long time.  She doesn't ask questions.  He won't be able to tell her enough, not even a tiny fraction of it.

Amy tentatively comes back to check in on them around one thirty.  She's in pajamas and this aging librarian robe that Jake probably finds sexy.  "You guys alright?"  Rosa isn't looking at her, but Jake must nod because after a second Amy adds, "Rosa, you wanna just stay here tonight?  You can take the guest room."  

Mechanically, Rosa nods.  She hasn't drank even half of her beer, but she doesn't feel okay to drive home right now.  

"Great!"  Amy sounds relieved, and happy to have a task.  "Give me a minute, I'll lay out an extra toothbrush and some towels."  

She's already walking out when Rosa manages, a beat too late, to say, "Thanks." 

Jake sighs tiredly, and when Rosa glances at him, his face is all scrunched up in discomfort.  "That was okay that I told you, right?  Like...you wouldn't have wanted me to lie?"  

"No.  I wouldn't."  She hesitates, her eyes fixed on the floral pattern of Amy's couch cushion she's ended up clutching in her lap for the last half hour, then asks in a quiet rush, "Was I in love with her?" 

"I don't know," Jake answers, disappointingly fast.  "I wasn't supposed to know about you guys, so...it's not like we ever talked about it.  I didn't even really see you together.  Not in coupley mode, I mean."  

"Right."

Rosa's eyes drift back to the top photo in the stack, like she's trying to find the answer in her own face, when Jake blurts out, "She was, though." 

"What?"  

"Gina.  She..."  Jake pauses, looking like he's not sure whether he should have started the thought.  "She was in love with you.  I'm pretty sure, at least...I still remember the day you guys broke up, she told me right after work and it was - "      

"Jake." 

They both look up to see Amy, hovering behind the couch and giving him a lightly admonishing look.  

He grimaces.  "Right, sorry.  She probably wouldn't want me to tell you about that."  

"She can't remember anyway," Rosa mutters, but without much fight.  Right now, she can't imagine herself hurting Gina.  That's not the part she wants to hear.  

There must be all these moments - over a year's worth - that existed solely between the two of them.  And there's no one to tell them about those.  It's like they didn't exist.

Rosa's stomach twists at the thought.  

She doesn't get much sleep that night, tucked into the stiff, cool sheets of the guest bed. For the first twenty minutes or so she can hear the low murmur of Jake and Amy's voices through the wall, too muffled to make out anything but the tune of concern.  It makes her feel weirdly like a kid, straining to hear if her parents' worried conversations had anything to do with her.  

 

* * *

 

Rosa leaves for work with Jake and Amy the next morning, so there's no time to sneak to the hospital before visiting hours.  She takes a break from the precinct the first chance she gets, but she doesn't go see Gina. 

Instead, she drives to Lacuna.   

After a flash of her badge and brusque request for her and Gina's files, the receptionist wrestles her initial alarm into a cool, businesslike expression and ushers Rosa to a back office, out of earshot from the smattering of patients in the waiting room, holding boxes of mementos Rosa presumes are about to be surrendered and destroyed.

(She wonders what she brought in.  What Gina did.  If it's all just incinerated now.)  

A doctor comes out to talk to her, polite and apologetic that she's been told about her erasure, but he categorically refuse to hand over files, saying it's against policy.  

"How can you refuse to give me my _own_ medical file?"  Rosa snaps.  

"You signed a contract releasing it," the doctor says.  "It's tricky, preparing a patient for a procedure they won't remember, but I promise you we are well protected.  

"Then I'll file for a subpoena." 

The doctor shoots her a condescending smile.  "I have a hard time believing you and your ex-girlfriends' past relationship is relevant to a police investigation, _Detective_ Diaz."  

Rosa sets her jaw and levels a glare at the older man.  "Did I mention my  _ex-girlfriend_ \- " she stumbles slightly, nearly gagging on the words.  She shouldn't have to call Gina her ex when she never remembers using the title without it.  "- is currently in a coma?  Complications following a brain surgery."  

"I can assure you, a coma has nothing to do with us or our procedure," he replies evenly, but Rosa catches a slight faltering behind his eyes. 

"Probably not," she concedes.  "But her doctors  _are_ missing all info on a neuro procedure she had done, even if it wasn't invasive.  You can probably guess I know some lawyers, some judges...won't be hard to get them on board.  And I'm getting the sense that you people like to keep a low profile.  Legally speaking." 

She leaves ten minutes later with both files loaded on a flash drive.    

 

* * *

 

Rosa goes straight home after her shift and plugs the drive into her laptop.  There are two folders, one with her name and one with Gina's.  She saves her own folder to her hard drive, then pulls out the flash before doing anything with Gina's.  

Her fingers feel stiff and alien as she double clicks her folder.  The first file she notices is an mp3.  She opens it, and a few seconds later, her own voice begins playing through the tinny speakers of her computer.  

_"My name is Rosa Diaz, and I'm here to erase Gina Linetti."_

A man's voice answers.  She's pretty sure it's the doctor she dealt with earlier today.

_"Very good.  Now, tell me about Gina."_

Rosa turns up the volume on her own voice; she sounds defensive, guarded, like this is an interrogation rather than something she chose.  

_"Like what?"_

_"Everything.  We'll need to know all about her, and your relationship, to get a sense of the memory you wish to erase."_

_"Don't you know everything already?  She was just here, doing the same damn thing."_

_"We'll need to hear it from your perspective.  To create a map of Gina in your brain.  Just begin talking, I'll direct the conversation as needed."_

_...._

_...._

_...._

_"Ms. Diaz, this is an essential part of - "_

_"I met her at my graduation.  From the academy.  My friend Jake, we met there, and they grew up together...she came to see him.  We went to a bar after and hooked up.  I didn't see her for a few years after that, but Jake got her a job - "_

_"Hold on, Ms. Diaz.  I'm afraid we really do need to delve a bit deeper here.  Tell me about that first night."_

_"What about it?" _

_"It really helps for us to activate the emotional centers of your brain...these sensors are mapping your responses."_

_"Fine.  I...I liked her.  Right away.  She was so weird and pretty...she set off a confetti canon during the ceremony.   Like there weren't a million cops around thinking it was a gunshot.  I kept looking for her at the bar, and then...she bought me tequila shots."_

There's a long pause. 

_"Is that enough?"_

_"It's good.  But keep going."_

_"She flirted, but I made the first move.  We kissed on the sidewalk outside the bar, and her place was closer so we went there.  My phone was dead the next morning, so she wrote her number on my hand.  Said we were doing it old school stylez.  But it was a shitty fucking pen, I guess, because I took a taxi back to where my bike was parked and by the time I got home it...the handlebars, I guess, it had smeared off.  I could have just asked Jake for her number but...that felt too weird.  Like I would be declaring something.  So I just figured I'd never see her again.  Then literally years later, Jake gets her a job as the administrative assistant at our precinct.  The day she interviewed...I came in from a bust and she's sitting on Jake's desk and it was just...so stupid.  The way it felt, you'd have thought we were actual exes, with some tragic breakup.  I had this thought like I wanted her back.  Which.  What the hell.  We knew each other for maybe five conscious hours."  _

On the recording, Rosa's voice has gradually loosened, the story spilling out of her like she isn't telling it to a stranger. 

In her apartment, Rosa keeps forgetting to breathe.  She closes her eyes, desperately searching herself for some spark of recognition.  

 

* * *

 

 _"Tell me why you want to erase Gina?"_  

" _Because she erased me."_

_"And you believe that was the right choice."_

_"I....no.  I think it was overdramatic and impulsive, like she always is.  But it's done, now, and I...I'm not going to be the only one who knows.  That's crap."_

_"But you'll still be seeing her every day at work...your paths will still cross."_

_"Listen, you let her do it, so what the hell's the problem." _

_"Ms. Diaz.  This is an irreversible procedure, and we take it very seriously.  We want to make sure our patients are certain, and not just being - as you yourself said - impulsive and overdramatic."_

_..._

_..._

_"So that means you decided she really meant it, right?  That was she was serious about wanting me gone?"_

_"As I've said, I can't discuss any sessions with Ms. Linetti.  We can discuss her erasure only as it influences your own."_

_..._

_..._

_"If she doesn't remember, I don't want to, either.  I'm sure about that.  It's not like I can tell her about it, right?  So what good is it to me?"_  

For the first time, Rosa's voice on the tape breaks instead of bends, and reflexive tears pool in her eyes.  The feel of them jolts her back to awareness of her own body, sitting in stricken stillness on her living room floor for the past ninety minutes of audio.  

She is listening to the answer, in her own voice, to the _what-if?_ that has been pulsing beneath her skin for six years now, more insistent than ever in the last week.  

It is her fantasy scenario.  Her and Gina, meeting in a way that made Rosa brave enough to try with her.

But in fantasies, the story never ended with Rosa breaking Gina's heart.

It never ended with them willfully forgetting each other.

It sure as hell never ended with Gina lying in a hospital bed.

 

* * *

 

She plugs the flash drive back in and stares at the folder with Gina's name.  There must be an audio file with her interview, too.  

Just the thought of hearing Gina's voice again makes her ache with longing.  It's only been eight days, but life since the accident - visits the hospital and phone calls that make her jump out of her skin and tears that live far too close to the surface - has already started to feel like a horrible, permanent state of things.  

She lets the cursor hover over Gina's name.  She shouldn't listen to this, that wouldn't be fair, but maybe just for a second, just to hear Gina say her name...

Rosa shivers.  Then she drags her own folder into the trash icon, erasing it from the flash drive.  She ejects it, and before she can change her mind, she calls Jake.

"Hey!"  He answers after one ring.  "You okay?" 

"You gotta stop asking me that, man."

"Sorry.  What's up?" 

"Where are you right now?"  

"The hospital."  He pauses.  "You been today?"  

"Not yet."   Rosa hesitates, absently fiddling with the flash drive in her hand.  "If I head there now, could you hang out for a minute?  I need to give you something."  

"Yeah, of course."

"Good.  I'll be fifteen minutes."  Rosa swallows, her resolve immediately collapsing.  "Can you meet me in the Starbucks?"

"Oh.  Yeah, I guess.  It might be closed, though."

"So the lobby.  Whatever."

"Okay.  Whatever you want."  

"Be there soon."   

 

* * *

 

The Starbucks in the lobby is in fact closed when Rosa gets there, but Jake's leaning on the wall just around the corner from where the coffee shop turns back into a hospital.  

"Hey."  She can see the  _everything okay_ _?_   question in his eyes, but for once he doesn't say it.  Thank God.  

"Hi.  So I went to Lacuna today." 

Jake's eyes widen.  "Seriously?"  

"Yeah."  She holds up the flash drive.  "I bullied them into handing over me and Gina's files.  There are recordings....interviews we did before."  

Jake frowns at her.  "You got Gina's, too?  Isn't that kind of private?" 

"I haven't  _listened,"_ Rosa counters defensively, but just as quickly the fight goes out of her.  Her voice shrinking a little, she admits, "But I want to.  So I'm giving it to you, and I don't want it back unless...."  She trails off, the words fading before she says them.

Jake's gone very still.  "Unless what?"  

Rosa's face tightens.  "Unless she dies."  

Jake's head jerks, a twitchy, instinctive denial.  "Don't talk like that."

"I'm serious, Jake.  I need you to promise me."  There's the slightest snag in her voice, but Rosa forces herself to hold eye contact.  "If she dies or...if they tell us she's not gonna wake up, or, or if she does wake up but she's not really _Gina_ anymore - "

Jake groans, rubbing a hand over his eyes.  " _Rosa_ , c'mon..." 

" - then you gotta let me have it back."  

He uncovers his face and gives her a pained look.  "Why?  How is that better?"

"It's probably not," Rosa agrees shakily.  Now she's not looking at him.  "But if she's gone...this is the only way it'll ever exist.  I can't remember her having feelings for me before, and if she doesn't wake up we're not gonna get another chance, so...I'll wanna hear it.  If that happens I need to hear it from her."  

Jake is quiet for a long time.  Long enough that Rosa finally looks up at him, and his face is soft in a way that pangs in her chest.  

"I'll give it to you.  It's not going to happen," he clarifies firmly.  "But if it did, I would give it you.  But that's also not remotely true." 

"What isn't?" 

"That you don't remember her having feelings for you."  Off Rosa's blank expression, Jake continues, "She has feelings for you  _now_."  

Rosa rolls her eyes, forcing out a choked, skeptical laugh.  "Oh, yeah?  Right now, in her coma?" 

"Yes, actually.  Amy says she can hear us talking to her, and I bet the whole time anyone else is there she's all..."  He does a horrible approximation of Gina's voice.  " _OMG, shut up, Jake!  It's totally not fair you get to talk without me making fun of you.  This is only ever worthwhile when Rosa's here_."

He returns to his normal voice.  "You know I'm right. She literally fled the country with a stranger when she thought you were getting married.   And  _you_."  He's really warming up now, almost smug about it.  "You were in a pissy mood the whole time she and Holt were working in PR.  I've _never_ seen you text that much.  And Amy said when Holt and me were in Florida, you got mad whenever Gina went home with someone from the bar."

Rosa is giving him a hard, blazing look, and Jake seems to belatedly realize his tone is off.  Quickly, he adds, "Which totally makes sense!  Even if they erased all the stuff that happened between you guys....it's not like that gets rid of what what made you like each other in the first place.  I always thought it was weird they even did the whole thing when you were still going to see each other every day.  How are you  _not_ going to fall for each other again?"   

For some reason, that's what starts Rosa crying.  

It's a messy commotion of tears.   Rosa's chest feels like its splitting in half and that's responsible for the sounds bounding up her throat; she cries like someone not used to it, not good at it, the sobs total, unfettered chaos.  

Rosa tucks her chin into her neck and wraps both arms around her head, curling in on herself as much as she can while still standing up.  Dimly, under the terrible, animalistic sounds of her own crying, she can hear Jake in panic mode.  "Oh no okay sorry sorry sorry...here, c'mere..."  He touches her shoulder, and Rosa flinches away.  "Okay okay sorry sorry no touching....um...."  

It takes her another minute to stop sobbing.  She angles her body away from Jake, lowering her arms but keeping her hands in front of her face.    

When she's been quiet long enough, Jake says softly, "I'm really sorry.  I was being an asshole."

"You weren't," she says hoarsely.  "You were right."   

Of _course_  she and Gina fell for each other again.  

But even so, it took six years and a goddamn bus for Rosa to be ready to do anything about it.  

Rosa finally unshields herself, but she keeps her head ducked toward the ground.  "Is anyone else with Gina?"  

"Um.  No.  Not anymore."  

"I'm gonna go see her."  

 "Okay.  Cool.  Cool cool cool cool.  You want me to wait?  Give you a ride?"  

"I drove here."  

"Okay." 

"Here."  She hands him the flash, which she's somehow kept a hold of, the edges leaves pink indentions in the skin on her palm.   

"Oh, right.  I'll hold onto it.  Promise." 

She nods shortly, then turns away from him, heading to the elevator.

 

* * *

 

 

Rosa isn't sure what she's expecting, like maybe Gina will seem different - that Rosa will recognize her in a new way.

But that's ridiculous.  Even here, unconscious in the hospital bed, entombed in all the metal and wires, Gina's never felt unfamiliar.  

"Hey," Rosa says as she pulls her usual chair close to the head of the bed.  She doesn't feel like talking today, isn't up for weathering the lack of response, but she's thinking about Jake's idiotic Gina-in-a-coma impression.  If she's paying attention, Rosa wants Gina to know she's here.  

Rosa leans her elbows on the edge of the mattress.  Her head feels heavy and swollen, like it's waterlogged.  She traces a finger back and forth along the curve of Gina's wrist: the solid, intact bone and unblemished skin.  

"What are you doing to me?"  Rosa murmurs, a tired, well worn affection draping the words.   

After a moment, Rosa lifts her hand, snaking her arm through the medical halo and gently runs her fingers through Gina's hair.  She can't remember ever touching her there, but Rosa bets she did it all the time.  

"I'm single now, by the way," Rosa tells her after awhile, swallowing around a lump in her throat.  "So.  Ball's kinda in your court, Linetti."

 

* * *

 

"I felt so bad," Jake is saying to Amy, sinking lower on the couch and aiming a despaired gaze at the ceiling.   "She just completely broke down.   _Rosa_.  CRYING." 

"C'mon, Jake, that isn't your fault," Amy tells him, no-nonsense and comforting all at once.  "She just found out about a whole relationship she doesn't remember.  Like she's not already on an emotional edge with Gina in the hospital."  

Guilt streaks across Jake's expression, his eyes finding Amy's, searching for reassurance.  "Do you think I shouldn't have told her?"  

"We talked about this," Amy reminds him, letting her fingers skim soothingly through the hair just above his neck.  "It didn't feel right lying to her anymore.  I get that.  And anyway, how were you gonna explain those photos?"  She shakes her head.  "This whole thing, it's not okay.  They take advantage of people when they're vulnerable.  I doubt it's even legal, right?  When things calm down a little, I want to look into investigating - " 

The doorbell cuts Amy off, and she and Jake exchange surprised looks.  It's late, and raining out, not exactly prime condition for unannounced visitors.  They stand up at the same time, and neither of them tell the other to sit, instead walking together to the front door.

Rosa's standing there, soaking wet and shivering, like she rode here on her motorcycle.  She looks worn out and small, with her hood up and her hands shoved in her pockets.  In lieu of a greeting, she asks, "Could I crash here again tonight?"  

  

* * *

 

Jake and Amy usher her inside, generally making a fuss.  Jake starts covering her with an excessive amount of towels and blankets, while Amy makes hot chocolate and tells her to sit on the couch, not to worry about the water.  

It gives her that little kid feeling again, and maybe that's why she came here.  If someone told her two weeks ago that she would be craving parental-esque attention from  _Jake and Amy_ , of all people, she'd have maybe punched them in the throat. 

She's too out of it to say much of anything, but after an hour or so of accepting their hovering and eager hospitality, Rosa towel dries her hair and changes into borrowed pajama pants and a T-shirt before making her way to the guest room.

She's been in there for maybe three minutes when there's a knock a the door.  "Yeah?" 

Jake tentatively opens it and snakes a hand in, waving.  "Safe to enter?"

Rosa rolls her eyes.  "What do you think I'm doing, moron?"

"Sorry."  Given the go ahead, he comes in and promptly flops on the foot of the bed.  

Rosa kicks him from under the covers.  "Uh, this isn't a slumber party."  

Jake grins, but it fades quickly and he meets her eyes.  "Permission to be serious for a minute?"

Rosa sighs, rubbing her eyes with her thumb and forefinger.  They still hurt from all the crying earlier.  She doesn't understand people who cry all the time; how do they stand it?   "We're  _only_  ever serious now, Jake."  

"I know.  I kinda hate it.  Well, not right now."  He clears his throat.  "I'm really sorry about earlier - "

Rosa winces.  "Can we just never talk about that again, please?"

He nods, speaking in a rush.  "Okay, except for maybe ten more seconds so I can just say I know you've had a lot thrown at you in the past few days and I'm really really sorry if I made it worse by piling on okay now I'm done."   

"Thanks," Rosa says simply after a moment.  "And...thank you for telling me the truth.  About Lacuna, and everything."  

Jake smiles down at the comforter, picking idly at a loose thread.  "How was your visit earlier?  With Gina?"  

"The same."  

"I'm sick of that always being the answer."  

"I know."  Rosa's throat narrows.  There's a fucked up thought that's been going off in her brain like a fire alarm for the past few hours, and she's suddenly seized with the need to get it out of her own head.  "When you first told me, about Lacuna...I didn't see why the hell anyone would do that.  Even listening to my interview, I only understood it because Gina did it first.  I didn't get how you make that decision on your own, but then...siting in the hospital, I started thinking about if she dies....I could see wanting that, then."  

Jake bolts upright, his face hardening.  "Are you serious?"   

Startled by the swift arrival of his disdain, Rosa says, "Jesus, I'm not saying I'd do it.  I wouldn't.  But...I think I'd want to.  I think it'd be bad enough."  Her voice wobbles, and Rosa digs her teeth into her lower lip, determined not to goddamn cry in front of Jake twice in one day.  Still, she can't stop herself from admitting, so quiet it's barely audible over the rain's soft song against the roof, "I'm scared of what I'll be like if it happens."  

"Me, too," Jake echoes, and his voice isn't steady either.  Rosa looking up, meeting his over bright eyes, and for maybe the first time she takes comfort in seeing her own fear reflected back at her.  

For the next three nights, she stays with Jake and Amy.  They never ask why, just agree without hesitation or surprise.  On the second night, they go to Shaw's with Boyle, Terry and Holt.  They spend the first half of the night talking about Gina, and Rosa hates it because it feels like a wake, but she hates the second half even more - when they start talking about other things, like it's been long enough to start moving on.   

Jake's as quiet as she is on the Uber ride home, and Rosa knows it's for the same reason.  Rosa's grateful for that.

When they get home from the bar, Amy pauses in the foyer and asks, apropos of nothing, "Hey, Rosa?  Have you talked to Pimento lately?"

"We broke up."

Amy nods.  She doesn't ask when, or how, just shoots Rosa a small smile and says goodnight.  Rosa's grateful for that, too.  

 

* * *

 

On her fourth morning in Jake and Amy's guest room, Rosa is woken up by Jake bounding into her room before her alarm goes off.  "Rosa!  Get up, get up, get up!" 

She groans into her pillow, rolling instinctively away from the sunlight filtering through the window shutters.  "I'm gonna kill you," she murmurs.  

"Betcha won't," Jake says.  He definitely doesn't seem like a parent now.  More like an asshole little brother.  

"Get  _oooouuuut._ "  

"You don't want me to go.  Believe me."  

Rosa finally wakes up enough to realize what's strange about this: Jake sounds happy. 

Like stupidly, deliriously happy.  

Instantly alert, Rosa sits up and stares at him, her heart floating toward her throat.  "Tell me," she demands, staring at Jake without blinking like this is a dream that could dissolve.  

He beams at her, pure relief cartwheeling through his voice as he says the magic words, "Gina's awake."    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Predictably, I was wrong about only needing one more chapter. This one was so long and Gina's only just now awake (finally, amiright?) 
> 
> I'm probably serious this time though. One more left (probably). Also I mentally planned this fic out before the finale aired, so obvious there was no reason to think Gina might be pregnant with a boyfriend. Also didn't know Rosa and Pimento were living together, so I stuck with my earlier description of their relationship. I assume we're all okay with this. 
> 
> Love to hear what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm alxvse on tumblr, please come talk to me about these two because it's maddening how much I want it to happen.


End file.
